2008 December | The Adventures of Scribbleboy

Archive for December, 2008

Dec

Twilight: Cheaper Than Heroin

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Book, Review and Writing

There only seems to be a few people reading this blog but those that do seem to be liking it. Critics are hailing it as “better than some of the stuff I read on LiveJournal” and claiming that “it made me laugh, how bitter you are.”

My favourite response so far has been; “I like how it has no structure.” I’m hoping that this means “I like how all the posts have different topics” rather than “I like how you can’t even put words in the right order.”

As for different topics, here’s a book review.

Twilight, Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

‘Maybe that’s not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead.’

‘So what you’re saying is, I’m your brand of heroin?’ I teased, trying to lighten the mood.

He smiled swiftly, seeming to appreciate my effort. ‘Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.‘

Drugs and alcohol; we all do things we shouldn’t, things that are ultimately bad for us but make us feel good. If you’re a vampire with an unquenched bloodlust you start dating a girl who is little more than eight pints of the red stuff in a handy human shaped container. If you’re a 15-year-old girl with low self esteem and no friends, well, Stephenie Meyer’s already got you hooked on the Twilight series and it won’t be long before you’re breaking into bookshops in search of your next fix.

When I started reading this book I described it as “Girl meets vampire against backdrop of every American high school cliché ever and their non-relationship/ constant sexual subtext continues throughout the book.” and I should have stopped there. instead I’m still here looking around, at cardboard cutouts I thought were characters (someone has made a crude attempt to paint two of them), and trying not to lean against the set (it’s paper thin).

Our first cutout is Isabella Swan, the rather uninteresting and, after a while, irritating narrator who will lead us through the next 434 pages. Isabella (or Bella as she prefers to be known) used to live with her mum in Phoenix, Arizona, but has recently moved to Forks, Washington, to live with her dad. (Her mum writes some of the most inane emails I have ever read and her dad is always away fishing or policing Fork’s tiny population. Neither of these characters do much to develop the plot).

Bella is a long haired, “ivory skinned” 17-year-old who despite regularly receiving prom invites from would-be suitors considers herself unattractive.

Other aspects of Bella’s personality are equally contradictory; she is clumsy to the point of caricature and constantly in need of rescuing and yet recalls practising ballet and taking self defence classes (“Heel of the hand thrust upward, hopefully breaking the nose or shoving it into the brain. Finger through the eye socket – try to hook around and pop the eye out. And standard knee to the groin, of course.”)

Something else that doesn’t ring true is Bella’s intellect. She describes her new school book list as “fairly basic: Brontë, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I’d already read everything.” Bella even decides to re-read Wuthering Heights for fun and yet the closest she comes to a literary reference in the entire novel is “I made the Cowardly Lion look like the terminator.”

Surprising as it may seem, it is Bella’s mind that makes vampiric bad boy Edward Cullen fall for her and it isn’t long before sharing a table in Biology turns into something much, much more (yes, you guessed it, sharing a table in the cafeteria).

If Bella being allowed to sit at Edward’s table (a boy who she’s been warned is dangerous) makes you think “OMG! That’s like when Lindsay Lohan is invited to sit at the plastics’ table in Mean Girls.” and that thought isn’t instantly followed by a deep sense of shame then, ignore this review, you will love Twilight.

What makes a character interesting is their flawed nature, their one weakness that can completely change the course of a book. Edward lacks all of the traditional vampire flaws; he can come into contact with direct sunlight (it makes him sparkly), he can survive on only animal blood (preferably mountain lion), he doesn’t sleep in a coffin (he doesn’t even need to sleep) and he’s cool with crosses (he even has one in the family house). Stephenie Meyer has compounded this problem by giving all her vampires superhuman strength, senses and agility and then giving Edward the ability to read minds as well.

Edward’s only flaw is that he might kill Bella (either because he fails to recognise his own strength or just because he’s hungry) and this severely hampers their ability to develop the relationship. This means lots of pages of restrained kissing and mild petting which, while it may be teaching American children valuable lessons about saving themselves, is ultimately frustrating.

Maybe this predicament would have been interesting if Meyer had given us a peak into Edward’s tortured soul but instead we’re treated to unimaginative dialogue that documents the couple’s teenage temper tantrums.

Once Meyer’s caressing-the-flesh-of-a-sparkly-vampire wet dream is out the way there’s room in the book for a plot. Edward and his vampire family must protect Bella from another bunch of vampires who want to eat her. Will she survive? (Hint: this is book one in a series of four).

***

It’s been almost a thousand words and I’m beginning to get the shakes. Withdrawal symptoms are beginning to kick in and no matter how much I want to continue insulting this book my mind is consumed with an irrational desire to know more about the 2D characters and their slow moving relationship. Must read New Moon.

Dec

2008 in Retrospect

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way

A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

Maybe it wasn’t that epic but 2008 was certainly a mixed bag. Never before in 365 days have I made so many friends and lost so many friends, slept on so many sofas and travelled so far across the world.

I went from a house that I described as a “former office block, decked out in the style of a homely crack den, [that] boasts a large lounge reminiscent of the mob fallen on hard times.” to a house with a shoe rack and a fully functional upstairs bathroom.

I left behind the familiar faces that hated me and met complete strangers that actually turned out to like me. I went from having a loan to having a serious debt, I went from failing a degree to needing a job, I went all the way from England to China and back again.

This is a summary of what seems to have been a very long year and a tribute to all the people that helped me through it (if I’ve missed you out let me know, my memory is somewhat hazy).

Clara – you were there throughout it all and you are the only person I can turn to in Stoke for a proper conversation.

Charity - for always being at the end of the phone. For understanding my sense of humour and world view.

Katie – for always making me smile and knowing how to party.

Frosty – for tolerating me for so long, inviting me to China and always being there when I needed a drink.

Damian, Sarah and Simon – same again to all of you, thanks for making my six weeks in Asia so special.

Totem Film crew – for making me feel so welcome in every way.

Guy – for tolerating my rants and steak addiction.

Harry’s Bar (bar staff, door staff, DJs, cloakroom crew, regulars) – providing a safe haven from all the craziness. Drinking may not be the answer but it’s a hell of a temporary solution.

The Students’ Union (Andrea, Bishop, Jason, Ken, Lisa, Luke, Naomi, Sibert, Tim) – GK seems like it was a long time ago but you all put in a lot of effort to make it run more smoothly.

Nick, Ben, Lewis, Damian – for letting me sleep in your houses for ridiculously extended periods of time.

Antonio - for still talking to me after all these years.

Reg – for telling it to me straight and giving me benefits advice.

Gingell & Baines – for taking me in off the street.

I’m off to my Gran’s for Christmas. Until I return and normal blogging resumes, don’t break anything.

Dec

Curse of My Youthful Looks (Part 2)

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life

Back at the start of the month I wrote that, while I had been IDed for many curious things, I’d never been asked for proof of age when purchasing alcohol in bars. Like everything I’ve ever written it came back to bite me. Over the past few weeks I’ve been IDed at least three times in my local Wetherspoon’s (yes, I have been drinking there for a year. No, obviously they didn’t notice).

Now I have to carry my passport with me at all times (bloody Communist states) if I want a drink. I just wish that underage drinkers would stop wearing Yves Saint Laurent jackets and ordering real ale, they’re making it difficult for the rest of us.

Dec

Red, Rock Solid and Restless

By Scribbleboy 1 Comment

Categories: Life, Life List and Money

Two weeks ago I replied to a job advert that I didn’t understand. If I got the job I would be expected;

To deliver an exceptional, commercially focused, customer experience through an understanding of different customer needs and providing the right product, proposition and service in a red rock solid, restless way.

WTF Vodafone? I thought you sold phones.

Previously my only experience with Vodafone had been my monthly bill. Since they bought out Dot Mobile my £25 a month contract now ranges from between £10 a month and £45 a month depending on what Vodafone hit on their billing dartboard (note to self – sort this out).

I must have understood something because the next day Vodafone called me up to confirm my details and hooked me up with a telephone interview.

That afternoon I was disturbed from watching Young People Fucking (it’s a film, not like I’m snooping on my neighbours or anything) by my phone ringing; it was Vodafone ready to begin one of the weirdest interviews ever.

When I apply for jobs most of the psychology tests have two answers to choose from; A. What you need to say to get the job and B. What you would really do if this ever happened. For example;

While working at the Customer Service Desk you are asked to replace a pair of broken stilettos that a customer has recently purchased. You know that this is against the company policy, what would you do?

A. Double check the company policy to make sure that I am correct and then explain the situation to the customer.

B. Stab her in the neck with the stilettos and steal her money.

Sometimes, to make it a little bit harder, they throw in a couple of extra answers. if you pick these you may get the job if they’re really desperate.

C. Double check the company policy to make sure that I am correct and then steal her money.

D. Explain the situation to the customer and then stab her in the neck with the stilettos.

The Vodafone test was not this simple. You were given two statements that were completely unrelated to each other and generally positive and you had to pick which one was closest to your personality. For example; “I like to check my work” Vs “I work well in a team”, “I like puppies” Vs “I like rainbows.”

After you have answered the twenty odd questions they put you on hold. Twice. The Vodafone hold music is a special remix of Rosanne Cash’s country song 0:71 and John Cage’s classical composition 4′33″ , by which I mean it is complete and utter silence occasionally broken up by line distortion.

I had passed the phone interview. Now it was time for the Vodafone face-to-face experience (with role play) or as I like to call it the real interview.

I arrived on time to meet the other candidate who had arrived half an hour early, no I don’t know why either. We were both treated to a video presentation that demonstrated the red, rock solid and restless ways of Vodafone. Key themes of the video included skydiving, rain-dancing, coffee-drinking and smiling. Key themes of the video did not include facts or phones.

Then it was time for the interview in which I had to provide real life examples of me using various customer care and teamwork skills. After that they turned their backs on me and it was time to pretend they were calling Vodafone with a problem and it was my job to fix it.

After that it was time for the IT test. I had to listen to a recorded call and input the correct data into the system. This was quite easy to do once you realised that caller 2, Muhammed Badu, was lying to you.

Finally, I filled out a questionnaire where I got to the review the interview process and then I was on my way. Three days later I received the following communication;

Dear Jonathan,

Thanks for attending the Vodafone Experience in Chesterton, it was really great to meet you.

You’ve got some great skills and experience however they are not quite right for us at the moment. I hope you’re not too disappointed and will continue to apply for jobs at Vodafone again in the future. If you’re still interested in this particular role in six months’ time, then we’d love to hear from you then.

The letter goes on to provide a phone number I can call to get feedback on my interview, unfortunately every time I call it goes straight to answering machine.

Dec

Tell Me, What Are You Wearing?

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Site

Actually, don’t bother. Google Analytics already told me and we both think you should change. We also know where you live, the colour of your underwear and your preference in breakfast cereal. Frankly, you disgust us.

Seriously though, I’ve been monitoring all my readers for two weeks now, let’s see what I’ve learnt.

To begin with I know that there are 24 of you out there and all together you’ve visited this site 53 times.

26% of you woke up one morning and decided to type www.scribbleboy.co.uk into your web browser (Google Analytics calls this behaviour “Direct Traffic,” it’s a weird compulsion but not one I’d want to discourage). The other two categories require a somewhat closer inspection; 57% of you clicked a link on some other site and ended up here and 17% arrived at my blog after typing certain special words into Google.

Let’s start with the “Referring Sites,” they’re not really that interesting. 42% of you arrived here through Facebook, 9% from WordPress and 4% came from Antiant.co.uk (now dead but don’t let that discourage you, not all the websites that link me die).

Now lets take a look at the 17% of you who had my blog popping up in your Google search results. Seven of you used “scribbleboy” as your keyword, this makes sense as my blog is the second result for this search. One of you keyed in “scribbleboy – reading ideas” and this makes sense too (scribbleboy.co.uk is the top result).

One individual, however, was looking for “my mum cum.” While some would argue that an ejaculating woman is a staple of any healthy internet diet, that woman should not be your own mother. What’s worse is that, for those search terms, my blog isn’t even on the first twenty pages of Google results (anyone who wants to figure out what page it’s actually on is more than welcome).

Far scarier is the fact that somewhere in a deep dark corner of England is a man who has exhausted so much “my mum cum” material that he is clicking on sites like mine and is screaming at his monitor, “More! More! I NEED MORE!”

Looking at my stats (he spent seven seconds on the blog and has not returned since) I can only assume that my blog wasn’t what he had in mind.

Enough with the freak show, let’s see what else Google told me about you.

75% of you are using Firefox (congratulations), 23% of you are using Internet Explorer (hey, I’m not going to judge your lifestyle choices) and 2% of you are using Safari.
54% of visits are from returning visitors (masochists).
67% of you speak English. 47% of you speak English (US), nope I don’t know what that is either.
Most people spend one minute and 39 seconds on my site and checkout 2.23 pages.

There are many more pages of irrelevant statistics and pointless graphs but I think I’m going to wrap this post up with an item I like to call;

The Most Totally Awesome Places in the UK*

1. Stoke-on-Trent (12 visits)

=2. London (8 visits)

=2. Smethwick (8 visits)

=2. Manchester (8 visits)

5. Stafford (5 visits)

=6. Renfrew (1 visit)

=6. Solihull (1 visit)

=6. Lambeth (1 visit)

*Total awesomeness is based solely on how many people in that place visit my site (at least Stoke won something).

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About

I'm a Stoke-on-Trent based blogger, journalist and semi-productive member of society. This blog is a record of my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.