Actually, don’t bother. Google Analytics already told me and we both think you should change.  We also know where you live, the colour of your underwear and your preference in breakfast cereal.  Frankly, you disgust us.

Seriously though, I’ve been monitoring all my readers for two weeks now, let’s see what I’ve learnt.

To begin with I know that there are 24 of you out there and all together you’ve visited this site 53 times.

26% of you woke up one morning and decided to type www.scribbleboy.co.uk into your web browser (Google Analytics calls this behaviour “Direct Traffic,” it’s a weird compulsion but not one I’d want to discourage).  The other two categories require a somewhat closer inspection; 57% of you clicked a link on some other site and ended up here and 17% arrived at my blog after typing certain special words into Google.

Let’s start with the “Referring Sites,” they’re not really that interesting.  42% of you arrived here through Facebook, 9% from WordPress and 4% came from Antiant.co.uk (now dead but don’t let that discourage you, not all the websites that link me die).

Now lets take a look at the 17% of you who had my blog popping up in your Google search results.  Seven of you used “scribbleboy” as your keyword, this makes sense as my blog is the second result for this search.  One of you keyed in “scribbleboy – reading ideas” and this makes sense too (scribbleboy.co.uk is the top result).

One individual, however, was looking for “my mum cum.”  While some would argue that an ejaculating woman is a staple of any healthy internet diet, that woman should not be your own mother.  What’s worse is that, for those search terms, my blog isn’t even on the first twenty pages of Google results (anyone who wants to figure out what page it’s actually on is more than welcome).

Far scarier is the fact that somewhere in a deep dark corner of England is a man who has exhausted so much “my mum cum” material that he is clicking on sites like mine and is screaming at his monitor, “More! More! I NEED MORE!”

Looking at my stats (he spent seven seconds on the blog and has not returned since) I can only assume that my blog wasn’t what he had in mind.

Enough with the freak show, let’s see what else Google told me about you.

• 75% of you are using Firefox (congratulations), 23% of you are using Internet Explorer (hey, I’m not going to judge your lifestyle choices) and 2% of you are using Safari.
• 54% of visits are from returning visitors (masochists).
• 67% of you speak English.  47% of you speak English (US), nope I don’t know what that is either.
• Most people spend one minute and 39 seconds on my site and checkout 2.23 pages.

There are many more pages of irrelevant statistics and pointless graphs but I think I’m going to wrap this post up with an item I like to call;

The Most Totally Awesome Places in the UK*

1. Stoke-on-Trent (12 visits)

=2. London (8 visits)

=2. Smethwick (8 visits)

=2. Manchester (8 visits)

5. Stafford (5 visits)

=6. Renfrew (1 visit)

=6. Solihull (1 visit)

=6. Lambeth (1 visit)

*Total awesomeness is based solely on how many people in that place visit my site (at least Stoke won something).