Two weeks ago I replied to a job advert that I didn’t understand.  If I got the job I would be expected;

To deliver an exceptional, commercially focused, customer experience through an understanding of different customer needs and providing the right product, proposition and service in a red rock solid, restless way.

WTF Vodafone?  I thought you sold phones.

Previously my only experience with Vodafone had been my monthly bill.  Since they bought out Dot Mobile my £25 a month contract now ranges from between £10 a month and £45 a month depending on what Vodafone hit on their billing dartboard (note to self – sort this out).

I must have understood something because the next day Vodafone called me up to confirm my details and hooked me up with a telephone interview.

That afternoon I was disturbed from watching Young People Fucking (it’s a film, not like I’m snooping on my neighbours or anything) by my phone ringing; it was Vodafone ready to begin one of the weirdest interviews ever.

When I apply for jobs most of the psychology tests have two answers to choose from; A. What you need to say to get the job and B. What you would really do if this ever happened.  For example;

While working at the Customer Service Desk you are asked to replace a pair of broken stilettos that a customer has recently purchased.  You know that this is against the company policy, what would you do?

A. Double check the company policy to make sure that I am correct and then explain the situation to the customer.

B. Stab her in the neck with the stilettos and steal her money.

Sometimes, to make it a little bit harder, they throw in a couple of extra answers.  if you pick these you may get the job if they’re really desperate.

C. Double check the company policy to make sure that I am correct and then steal her money.

D. Explain the situation to the customer and then stab her in the neck with the stilettos.

The Vodafone test was not this simple.  You were given two statements that were completely unrelated to each other and generally positive and you had to pick which one was closest to your personality.  For example; “I like to check my work” Vs “I work well in a team”, “I like puppies” Vs “I like rainbows.”

After you have answered the twenty odd questions they put you on hold.  Twice.  The Vodafone hold music is a special remix of Rosanne Cash’s country song 0:71 and John Cage’s classical composition 4′33″ , by which I mean it is complete and utter silence occasionally broken up by line distortion.

I had passed the phone interview.  Now it was time for the Vodafone face-to-face experience (with role play) or as I like to call it the real interview.

I arrived on time to meet the other candidate who had arrived half an hour early, no I don’t know why either.  We were both treated to a video presentation that demonstrated the red, rock solid and restless ways of Vodafone.  Key themes of the video included skydiving, rain-dancing, coffee-drinking and smiling.  Key themes of the video did not include facts or phones.

Then it was time for the interview in which I had to provide real life examples of me using various customer care and teamwork skills.  After that they turned their backs on me and it was time to pretend they were calling Vodafone with a problem and it was my job to fix it.

After that it was time for the IT test.  I had to listen to a recorded call and input the correct data into the system.  This was quite easy to do once you realised that caller 2, Muhammed Badu, was lying to you.

Finally, I filled out a questionnaire where I got to the review the interview process and then I was on my way.  Three days later I received the following communication;

Dear Jonathan,

Thanks for attending the Vodafone Experience in Chesterton, it was really great to meet you.

You’ve got some great skills and experience however they are not quite right for us at the moment.  I hope you’re not too disappointed and will continue to apply for jobs at Vodafone again in the future.  If you’re still interested in this particular role in six months’ time, then we’d love to hear from you then.

The letter goes on to provide a phone number I can call to get feedback on my interview, unfortunately every time I call it goes straight to answering machine.