2008 December | The Adventures of Scribbleboy

Archive for December, 2008

Dec

A Pint! That’s Nearly an Armful!

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Blood, Life and Life List

According to the internet a perfect personality is the result of having the perfect balance of blood, phlegm and bile (both yellow and black) in your body.

Too much of any one of these and bad stuff happens. An excess of black bile can lead to depression while too much yellow bile causes Cholera.

Over the past few weeks we had noticed in the house an excess of enthusiasm and laughter, symptomatic of a need for a serious bloodletting session, and so we headed to the sports centre at St Dominic’s to give blood.

The National Blood Service sent me one of the nicest letters I’ve received in a long time (thanks Primark), here’s an extract;

Thank you for choosing to be a lifesaver. By registering to give blood you’re about to join a special group of people: the five out of every hundred people who are able to give blood and actually do so.

This was really quite touching, someone other than my mother telling me that I was special. The envelope also included a helpful little leaflet that was almost as if someone had re-imagined giving blood as a colouring book that didn’t involve needles or actually giving blood.

However, it was not to be. I wasn’t allowed to give blood because in the past six months I’d visited parts of China that were coloured red on their map (supposedly this is bad). Baines wasn’t allowed to give blood because of her ear infection and Gingell, although they jabbed her with the needle for a bit, turned out to have no blood a low iron count.

Then we went for a carvery, we’ll try again in February.

Dec

Riding the Special Bus

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life

If you could peak behind the scenes of my blog you’d be able to see the half finished posts strewn in every corner. In the past few days I seem to have done a lot of things and at some stage I’m going to take a break and write it all down.

Expect blog entries on Louis Theroux, The Clothes Show, chav pubs, Google Analytics, three levels of Vodafone interviews, Angus Deayton and the job centre.

Today I went to Cadbury World as part of Baines’ Birthday outing, did I have fun? Have a look at the picture below and decide for yourself (photo and caption courtesy of Gingell).

Scribs proves that yes, a grown man *can* fit inside the special bus.

Dec

Cash Rules Everything Around Me

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life, Life List and Money

[EDIT: (Sunday 22nd February) Anonymous sources tell me that you might have arrived at this page with the mistaken belief that it was somehow Wu-Tang Clan related, unfortunately it's not. It's just about me being broke. You can, however, check out the lyrics to C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) here and buy the album here. The official Clan website is here and if you want to pick up some Wu Wear head over here.]

When I didn’t return home on Saturday Gingell was of the opinion that I’d probably “Got coked up and slept with a hooker in a ditch.” Surprisingly this was not the case, what I got up to was actually £25 cheaper (us being in a recession and all). Even with savings like this it was still a bad week financially (no matter what the graph says). Time to confess all.

The Poverty Line, for the week commencing 1st December*

Incoming: I knew some bills were coming my way this week so the money I’d started to repay my dad (for my plane ticket to China – another story for another day) found itself back in my account. Total £250.

Outgoing: £30 on food, £28 on drink, £12 on transport and £10 on utilities.

Money Saving Tip: End the week there.

Unfortunately, it didn’t end there, it kept going. The bills came through (£45 on my phone, £37 on insurance). I repaid Damian £5 to fund his roller disco habit.

Then the big one, I spent £58 on presents (Baines’ Birthday present, Gingell’s Birthday present, my Mum’s Christmas present and my Dad’s Christmas present)

For the purposes of a full confession I also spent £12 on myself. I bought the book No Plot? No Problem! (£7) and the album This Week by Jean Grae (£5), you should buy it too (and this time I’m not accepting any of your “…but I don’t like hip-hop, I don’t know how you can listen to it” excuses).

Then came the weekend. I’d been invited to The Clothes Show by Clara but I’d resisted the temptation, unfortunately when Frosty offered me a discounted ticket (£14) I was weak.

(£11 return train ticket for Saturday).

Wandering between the stands, that stretched as far as the eye could see in every direction, the recurring trends seemed to be pastel shades, cutesy floral prints and oversized bows (especially on belts). I can also see Barack Obama prints becoming very popular in a Che Guervara kinda way.

(£5 coffee and bacon sandwich).

What I didn’t see much of was menswear. According to the official website; “With the ever growing interest in male fashion we thought we would introduce more male brands into the show and this year we’re turning it up to eleven!” You might think that means 11 menswear brands were represented but after visiting I think it’s probably just a Spinal Tap reference.

(£10 Punky Fish Christmas present for my sister).

Got caught up watching a Maybelline demonstration (I learnt more about makeup in ten minutes than I had done in my previous 22 years on this earth) and also saw the New Look collection (short skirts with patterned tights and leggings are only going to look good on shapely legs, the scrawny limbs of the New Look ladies weren’t really cutting it).

(£2.30 Orange juice and lemonade combo creates a surprisingly good Fanta substitute).

The catwalk show was amazing and truly eclectic. it was like some nightmare fairytale with crying ballerinas and crashing chandeliers. The weasels of the wild wood were like a pack of chavs and Wisteria Lane danced to Paul Anka’s swing jazz cover of Wonderwall.

Extra points for including Kate Bush on the soundtrack and professional dancers as models. This brought some unexpected enthusiasm and healthy body shapes to the catwalk.

The entire display was kicked off by Alesha Dixon performing The Boy Does Nothing in a sparkly golden dress and I enjoyed it (I have no shame, I’m sorry).

Before I left I picked up The Clothes Show goodie bag, let’s examine its extremely masculine contents;

Imperial Leather Skin Bliss Unique Shower Lotion
L’Oréal Paris Elvive Re-Nutrition Caring Shampoo sample
Nivea My Silhouette! Gel-Cream sample (No, I don’t know what it is either. All it says on the back is “massage into targeted body parts such as thighs, hips, waist and stomach.”)
Kit Kat Senses (a chocolate bar that claims “Goodwill to all women – 165 calories.”)
Alpen Groove cereal bar
Two teeny-weeny cans of Dr Pepper (they seemed to be the odd ones out in this bag).

They also gave me an official The Clothes Show t-shirt which is even tight on me, so good luck to the people it’s actually aimed at (I’d be giving the Kit Kat Senses and Dr Pepper a miss if I were you).

Then I caught a train to Birmingham News Street and eventually met up with Antonio, Clara, Andy and Reeka after two hours of being stuck in the city with no money and a dead phone.

(£3.50 Chicken burger meal deal).

We set off to an Irish bar but it had been closed down and so we ended up in a delightful chav pub where the best song they played that night was Control Myself by JLo and LL Cool J (everybody “ZeZeZeZeZeZe, ZeZeZeZeZe” etc).

Clara and I missed our train home by three minutes after having to wait to get our pool table deposit back (the chavs were taking too long to pot the ice cubes from the drink they’d spilt over the table) and we ended up sleeping in Antonio’s living room.

(£1.85 M&S prawn mayonnaise sandwich).

(£7.20 single train ticket for Sunday).

Arrived back in Stoke on Sunday afternoon with a head full of phlegm and a raging desire to sleep. Better luck next week on the money saving front.

(A big thanks to Clara for lending me so much money, I will pay you back. I’d be stupid not to, you know where I live).

* Student Loan debt of £19,754.92 is still lingering like a bad smell.

Dec

Memo From the News Desk/ My Bed

By Scribbleboy 4 Comments

Categories: Degree, Driving, Life List, Money, Steak, Wakey Wakey and Writing

While I was sleeping yesterday stuff was happening. As far as I can tell the most important thing was Advent starting and me falling one chocolate behind on my Barbie Magical Milk Chocolate Advent Calendar, oops.

Things have also been happening around here too, here’s a little update on all the targets people have been setting me to improve my life.

1. Write more

I’ve already written five posts and it’s barely been a week, contrast that with six posts in two years on my old blog. Also, as promised, I’ve linked the blog up to Facebook and installed Virtual Bookshelf. The first book I’ve picked to read is Beloved by Toni Morrison, I’ll let you know how it goes.

2. Get out of debt

Okay, roll graph.

The Poverty Line, for the week commencing 24th November*

The more astute members in the audience will have noticed that this is last week’s graph copy and pasted, yes, that’s right, I unintentionally balanced my incomings and outgoings.

Incoming: I was paid £30 by Totem Films to hold a boom mic pole for a couple of hours, plus my Gran sent me another £10. Total £40.

Outgoing: £10 on food, £15 on drink, £15 on utilities. Total £40.

Money saving tip: After the final audience question has been answered lay down your boom mic and see if there are any free meals going at this conference (make sure you send Graham, to avoid confusion/ subtlety). If free food is available make sure you get seconds.

* Last week I said that one of the reasons my student loan debt wasn’t included in this calculation was because I didn’t know what it was. Now I do, £19,754.92. Just to make that real clear; Nineteen Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty-Four Pounds and Ninety-Two Pence. No, I am not redrawing the graph.

3. Give blood

If Charity’s reading this she’ll be laughing hysterically by now. Gingell and Baines, however, won’t be laughing until our house blood letting session on Friday 12th December. Expect a blog post when I regain consciousness.

4. Wake up at a reasonable hour

Frosty suggested this one. He claimed that if I got up earlier I’d get more done. I argued that I don’t really do much anyway and that drinking tea and a Facebooking aren’t really time specific activities. In the end Frosty won, so from Friday 2nd January I’ll be trying to get up before 9:30am each weekday. Any ideas on how I can prove to readers I’m doing this would be greatly appreciated.

5. Give up swearing for Lent

In 2006 I gave up alcohol for Lent (easy), in 2007 I gave up caffeine (harder), in 2008 I couldn’t think of anymore vices to give up. Charity has suggested that I quit swearing for Lent 2009, although most people I discussed this with said; “Why? You don’t really swear much anyway.”

I’ll be more specific nearer the time and lay down some terms, maybe even donate a pound for each naughty word to a charity that helps children whose lives have been blighted by curse words. Or maybe not, maybe you can suggest something better for me to quit.

If this one does happen I can see standing on three point plugs and singing along to hip-hop songs being my downfall.

6. Learn to drive

Rob says that I need to learn to drive if I’m going to become a reporter, plus a driving licence will be the perfect response to anyone IDing me for books, scissors or coffee. I will begin this task when I have money, so probably sometime next year.

7. Complete my degree

Pretty self explanatory.

8. Keep eating steak

Thanks to Guy for the easiest, oddest and yet most enjoyable challenge so far. I’m not even sure how I’ll document this one so any suggestions are more than welcome (ideally your suggestion should begin something like; “Jon come and dine with me, I’ll buy you the biggest steak on the menu…”)

You stay classy, San Diego.

Jon

Dec

The Curse of My Youthful Looks

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life

The first time I can remember being IDed was in 2006. You’d think it would have been in a bar, but I can’t ever remember being asked for proof of age in a drinking establishment (any sober friends of mine remember this happening?). No, it was for a book. This one here, The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll.

The first issue I ever read of Vice Magazine contained features on child suicide and tips on stalking, so, in retrospect, I should probably have expected this. When I got the book home I could understand why the cashier had wanted to take a peek at my student ID.

Behind the cover of this book (featuring a young lady doing a handstand into a toilet) lurks such essays in journalism as; No Shit (The Truth About Female Defecation), Home Surgery Party (How to Operate on Your Guests), My Mum Shot Me and Cum Vs Moisturiser (Vice Settles the Score!) *

When The Daily Mail writes about the abominable world of UK lads mags it likes to include a nipple count for some reason, as if nipples are really offensive and we all don’t own a pair. The nudity in this book tells a slightly more twisted story, for example; page 12 – naked man in mask squats over (presumably) a kitty litter tray; page 59 – X-ray of a dildo firmly lodged in a girl’s ass; page 114 – it looks like a disfigured child but on closer inspection a vagina has been collaged over his mouth and a penis penetrating a second vagina forms his nose, also his eyes appear to have been replaced by garden peas etc. etc.

Anyway I seem to have strayed into a very dodgy place (buy the book, it’s highly immoral but very funny) and we need to get back on track before Google picks up on some of the keywords in the previous paragraph and condemns me to some kind of search result hell.

The next time I got IDed (excluding the time at Sainsbury’s when they tried to stop me purchasing the pre-mix margarita) was a few weeks back. At the time I wasn’t carrying my passport on me (I only tend to carry it when I’m in the People’s Republic of China, mainly because it’s the law) so no Wilkinson’s 99p kitchen scissors for me (with the plastic baby blue handles). It’s a shame because now if I wanted to stab someone I’d have to buy a knife from Amazon.

On Friday night I drank so much that when a man dressed as a Smurf asked me to rub his erect nipple I thought nothing of it. On Saturday I was IDed in Wetherspoon’s for coffee, coke and two meals.

I look forward to the day I’m IDed for a pint.

* If you’re curious, moisturiser won.

Search

About

Born in Paignton, somewhat educated in Stoke-on-Trent and living in Peterborough. I am a footsoldier in the army of the unemployed and an occasional blogger. I spend my days applying for jobs and watching Glee.

I survive on caffeine, willpower and savings alone. This blog is a record of my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.