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Archive for January, 2009

Jan

Atheist Bible Study

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Atheist Bible Study, Book, Review and Writing

I’ve searched the holy books
I tried to unravel the mystery of Jesus Christ, the saviour
I’ve read the poets and the analysts
Searched through the books on human behaviour
I travelled this world around
For an answer that refused to be found
I don’t know why and I don’t know how
But she’s nobody’s baby now.

Nobody’s Baby Now, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Anyone who’s known me long enough will know that I am fascinated with faith. More often than not this takes the form of stupid questions such as “Why did the Christian God guarantee Jews a place in heaven?” and “How do you live a good life if you’ve been reincarnated as a rock?”

Even though I don’t understand it I imagine faith would be a wonderful thing to have. To believe that every good deed you do will be rewarded, that there is something more than life and that all seemingly random acts are part of a great plan must be reassuring. To have a book to refer to in moral dilemmas rather than just trusting your gut must help too (although my gut’s getting quite good at this one).

I was not christened, nor were my parents regular churchgoers and so my first real encounter with Christianity was when I went to primary school. We used to sing stuff like this;

I danced for the scribe and the pharisee,
But they would not dance and they would not follow me.
I danced for the fishermen, for James and John
They came with me and the dance went on.

Lord of the Dance, Sydney Carter

Back then I didn’t know what a scribe was, let alone a pharisee. I still don’t know why everyone’s dancing. This illustrates the problem with a lot of the stuff they taught me at school, they only taught me half of it (and most of that was wrong). In my next post I will expose the deceitful treachery that is the song Who Built the Ark? (Brother Noah Built the Ark).

My second experience with religion was when I joined the Cub Scouts at the age of seven. Just like at school we had to pray here too and just like at school I was getting nothing. If I really squeezed my eyes closed I could get some weird patterns and I could always conjure up that night’s episode of The Simpsons in my head but this didn’t seem to be the point of the exercise. Occasionally you’d sneak a peek at everyone else and wonder if it was working for them.

When Peter O’Toole said, “When did I realise I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realised I was talking to myself.” he might have been onto something, either that or he’s going to burn for all eternity.

The problem was you couldn’t ask people what they saw when they prayed, asking the difficult questions was always frowned upon. I remember asking my dad what the animals on the ark ate and his response being, “Who have you been talking to?”

It was answers like this that made me attempt to read the Bible the first time around. The only problem was that when I was little I thought you weren’t allowed to skip parts of a book and parts of the Bible are very boring (why they don’t put the family trees in an appendix like they do in The Lord of the Rings I’ll never know). It is these tedious family trees that meant the first time I never made it past the third page.

In 2007 I tried again and managed maybe two to three books of the Bible. It wasn’t until I took the Bible with me to China in 2008 (I’d promised someone that I would, don’t ask), finished all my other books and was stuck on a 24 hour train that I got as far as Samuel I (the ninth book of the Bible).

Unfortunately, when I got back to Britain I put the Bible on my “books I should read” pile and it’s been abandoned ever since.

When people find out that I’ve been attempting to read the Bible their response tends to be, “Why? You’re not a Christian.” This is true, I’d rather reject something I don’t fully understand than believe is half-heatedly. it just seems weird that a book that has shaped our culture, is the basis for our legal system and has influenced the language and imagery of artists for generations is only read by Christians (and somehow I think they might be biased).

So, with all this in mind, every time I read a book of the Bible (yes, I’m starting again for a third time) I will try and write some kind of summary for the blog in a feature I have decided to dub “Atheist Bible Study.” Hopefully it’ll be amusing enough for people to read it and inoffensive enough for my effigy not to get burnt in the streets.

Jan

Breaking Dawn: Just Say No

By Scribbleboy 5 Comments

Categories: Book, Review and Writing

This review is riddled with spoilers like Swiss cheese is riddled with holes. If you want to fully enjoy the Twilight series then refrain from reading it until you have tackled the 754 page behemoth that is…

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Not since I made it half way through Crash, a book in which the principal characters are sexually aroused by car crashes, have I read anything quite so disturbing.

As with its predecessors, Breaking Dawn is a testimony to the power of love, however this time it focuses on the pain people are willing to endure in its name.

Once they are married Edward whisks Bella away to an island off the coast of Brazil for a romantic honeymoon/ to be date raped. It is only due to the power of love that, when Bella wakes up in a broken bed, covered in bruises and down from the pillows that Edward has bitten through, she doesn’t press charges. After all it’s what she wanted, even if she can’t remember most of it.

Unfortunately for Bella her sparkly vampire who doesn’t produce any bodily fluids is firing on all cylinders in one department and it isn’t long before she’s been impregnated with his hellspawn. Once again it is down to the power of love that, with the foetus growing at an alarming rate and cracking ribs as it goes, no one thinks to abort the violent little half-breed.

During the pregnancy the baby forces Bella to start drinking human blood and it isn’t until the blighter decides to snap Bella’s spine that Edward performs a cesarean section, with his teeth. Stephenie Meyer has managed to create a pregnancy scene that is so horrific it should be required reading on abstinence-only programmes across America.

The baby’s first action, it’s a girl by the way, is to bite Bella. Yes, the infant tries to drink her own mother, which is rather harsh considering Bella is already on her deathbed. Cue Edward injecting vampire venom directly into her heart and veins to save her.

With Bella busy writhing in agony on the Cullen’s sofa and Edward busy wringing his hands and generally being pathetic it is down to the literary third wheel that is Jacob Black to narrate the second part of the story.

This secondary perspective is incongruous with the previous three books and serves little purpose, perhaps only saving Stephenie from having to write with any kind of emotional intensity as Bella goes through an immense amount of pain for the vampire and the baby she loves.

The wolves want to destroy the hellspawn, Jacob doesn’t and forms his own pack. The wolves don’t attack the vampires. With this non-plot out of the way it’s time to return to the real story narrated by Bella who is now a fully fledged vampire. She has decided to call her baby Renesmee because being half vampire isn’t enough, you have to get bullied at school as well.

The events of part one forgotten, everyone now loves Renesmee the magical talking baby, some people a little too much. When Leah (a character so insignificant I’ve never even mentioned her before) joined Jacob’s pack I figured they’d get together; they both have an unrequited love and could have had lots of fun licking their wounds together. Unfortunately, Stephenie decides to have Jacob develop a weird werewolf crush on a child barely out of the womb. Yes, Jacob hates bloodsuckers and said Bella would be dead to him when she became a vampire but don’t let the facts get in the way of a mediocre story.

In contrast with part one, in which Bella suffered an obscene amount of pain, in part three she has it way too easy. As a new vampire she has complete control over her raging bloodlust, even getting to meet her human father, and has morphed from a clumsy girl into a agile vamp with super powers. To top it all off the Cullens have even built her and Edward a sex cottage (seriously).

It is at this point that Stephenie Meyer should have called it quits and hit the publish button on FanFiction.Net. Unfortunately, she didn’t and the reason why is the same reason as ever. At some stage someone (whose name if ever revealed will be cursed through the ages) bought Stephenie a how-to book on novel writing as a last minute gift. Chapter three of this book is probably called something like “Plot: Your Story Should Have One”, unfortunately Meyer possesses a rare genetic mutation that makes this chapter invisible to her until she is at least three quarters of the way through writing her novel.

Roll plot. The leaders of the vampire world the Volturi have heard of Renesmee, unfortunately they think she is a crazy vampire baby with an insatiable hunger instead of a half human child who is exploring far beyond her expected reading grade.

Knowing that the Volturi will kill the baby and punish those responsible, the Cullens begin to assemble a collection of witnesses to testify that the baby is half human. There are 30 odd vampire witnesses that turn up, each of these characters is as paper thin as the next (they are all listed alphabetically by coven in the vampire index but there’s no point reading this because none of these characters develop the plot in any way).

After the new arrivals have spent a while showing off their powers (the ones that stand out being the ability to control the elements and to taser your enemies) and practising for the epic battle that will inevitably ensue the Volturi show up. Unfortunately, Meyer disappoints on this count too and the entire dispute is peacefully resolved using the “super power” that is diplomacy.

So by the end of page 754 (“And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”) the reader is back to where they were on 387. The Cullens are content and the Volturi have returned to Italy where they can continue to be morally ambiguous in peace.

An all too neat ending to a disappointing series that was nonetheless compulsive reading. This is the final nail in the coffin of the Twilight series and I promise to give you at least a month to recover before I even contemplate reviewing anymore fiction.

Jan

Not So Ultimate Fail

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Breakfast, Film, Life, Life List, Review, Signing, Steak, Wakey Wakey and Writing

My copy of Les Misérables by Victor Hugo is 1,232 pages long and has been gathering dust on my classics shelf for a while now. One day it will get read but not today (to be fair I’m probably going to read The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic first).

Sometimes I set myself reasonable targets with unrealistic deadlines (like reading Les Mis anytime soon). My Little Monster Reward Chart, however, only sets four daily targets; get out of bed before 9:30am, eat breakfast before 12pm, apply for a job and write 500 words.

These targets and their deadline are very realistic (you probably do at least two of them everyday without even thinking about it) and yet in the previous week I awarded myself one measly tick. If last week hadn’t been so much fun I would have had to write it off as an ultimate failure.

All I managed to achieve blogwise was to update this post with a full list of site modifications I’d like to make, a list of posts I’m currently working on (and their appropriate word counts) and a to-do list for my life (note that I achieved four of these).

Updating old work isn’t the same as creating new content, however, and the standard issue WordPress calendar is beginning to resemble an empty wasteland devoid of posts. On Sunday the number of site visitors dipped to zero for the first time ever (almost as if there’s some correlation between more content and more clicks, weird).

Maybe I haven’t been typing but I’ve certainly been having fun. Antonio showed up on Wednesday and we went for drinks with Lottie, another plus is that my housemates seem not to hate him (which is always good).

On Friday I went to Guy’s leaving do in Ember Lounge where I met (read “networked with”) someone who works for the Staffordshire Newsletter (a paid weekly) and learnt the phrase “nice to see you” in sign language. I also learnt signs for the following words; pint, whiskey, vodka, walking, jumping, kicking, hopping, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, tea, coffee and cream cake. Feel free to create a sentence that includes as many of these as possible.

The next day I got on a train and travelled to Oxford for Clara’s birthday celebrations. Oxford is filled with bicycles, bookshops, scarf clad students, quaint little shops that seem to belong in Beatrix Potter (Ginger and Pickles anyone?) and places you can drink in without sticking to the floor.

It was great to meet Clara’s family and a selection of her friends and we headed out for a night that started out in the Hobgoblin and ended up in the Carling Academy. Learnt the sign language for “easy tiger.”

Sunday was spent drinking tea, eating toast, slowly coming to and watching The Devil Wears Prada (enjoyed critquing the outfits with Clara, Dacia and Vicky but probably need to watch it again and pay more attention to the dialogue). Then we went to Frankie & Benny’s and ate cheeseburgers.

Today, my birthday, Clara and I went to a quaint little pub and had steak and chips for breakfast. We then went to the cinema to see Frost/ Nixon. This is a film that I wanted to see but there weren’t many people I could go with because the love interests and zombie hordes take a backseat to political interviews. Here are my thoughts on the movie;

Anyone that’s caught me watching The West Wing on their TV or reading presidential debate transcripts on their PC will know that I’m fascinated by American politics. The Nixon administration is the one that fascinates me the most because it ties in with another of my perversions, journalism (I have 0.25 of a degree in this subject).*

Hunter S. Thompson was the first journalist to spend an entire year on the campaign trail and Nixon’s re-election campaign in 1972 was the year Thompson chose to do it. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of The Washington Post were the journalistic tag team that wrestled the Nixon administration to its knees over Watergate. And when Nixon finally resigned before he could be impeached it was journalist David Frost whose televised interviews gave Tricky Dickie the trial he never had.

The book Frost/ Nixon is fascinating and worth the money (I paid £2), if only for the rather anal interview transcripts in which every hesitation is recorded (Nixon: “Ah, ah, so that in effect, ah, they, as they listen, ah, will be able to hear the facts, ah, make up their own minds.”)

Fascinating though it may be, the book is a record of political journalism and as such can be dry in places. This film takes all the information and then injects the life back into it; Nixon becomes a fatally flawed yet bizarrely lovable former president (Frank Langella’s affectation of Nixon’s accent and mannerisms is truly impressive) and Frost (Michael Sheen) becomes a playboy that got lucky rather than the political hotshot he tries to make himself out to be in the book.

Choice lines have been culled from the original interviews and the dialogue that has been witten for the film is funny and insightful. Alongside various visual touches it gives us a greater insight into the two main characters.

The timing of this film is also striking, when Nixon’s views on Vietnam are cross examined it is hard not to think of another unpopular president who waged an unsuccessful war, one who has recently left office. Who in the media will try George W. Bush for his crimes against the world? Somehow I imagine his defence will be less eloquent than that of Nixon.

* This sits alongside my 0.25 of a degree in Creative Writing and 0.5 of “Your degree has been terminated. Next time try turning up and actually doing something.” I probably have point something or other of a degree in Graphic Design but that is beyond my mathematical capabilities.

Clara and I left the cinema and returned to cold grey Oxford, picked up my stuff, sat in a bar and discussed travelling and then I caught a train home. On the way back to Stoke I finished reading Breaking Dawn, so expect a review whenever I recover.

My housemates bought me a big fluffy dressing gown that’s dark enough to disguise a multitude of tea stains (just like I asked for) and a High School Musical birthday card (includes a bedroom door hanger, one side reads “Do Not Disturb LOST IN MUSIC”, the other “Come in! Let’s have fun… ALL FOR ONE” , which is probably the weirdest way to phrase an orgy invitation ever).

It’s your Birthday! …so REACH for the STARS

Scribs

Jan

Eclipse: Now With Added Plot

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Book, Review and Writing

Are you a young girl who uses this blog to inform your choice of teen fiction? If so please let me know, it would be most amusing. Also don’t read this review it may contain spoilers.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Mocking a book that uses fridge magnets as a recurring metaphor isn’t the most intellectually strenuous of activities, nor is it the right one. Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight series, may have its flaws but it’s the best book that Stephenie Meyer has written.

After dropping a big hint that I’ll soon be receiving a whole load of physical intimacy and a car* Stephenie quickly gets to work introducing a plot within the first chapter. This is impressive for an author who has previously only tacked plots onto the end of her novels as half-hearted afterthoughts.

A pack of vampires are running amok in downtown Seattle and sworn enemies the Cullen vampire clan and the Quileute werewolf pack must join forces to defeat them. An impressive plot, considering her previous work, but one that is a long time coming. After introducing the plot on page eight readers then have to wait until page 198 for any further development. In the mean time we are to forced to explore the relationship between Edward, Bella and Jacob; a love triangle that is only rivalled in tediousness by the relationship between Thomas the Tank Engine, Lady the Tank Engine and the Fat Controller.

Plot, however, is not the only thing that Stephenie has developed; Bella’s character has changed for the better too. Bella was always meant to be an intellectual but all she did in the previous two books was name check writers and dawdle two steps behind the reader.

Twilight

Bella: “I wonder if Edward’s a vampire?”
Reader: “Well duh… it tells you on the back of the book.”

New Moon

Bella: “I wonder if Jacob’s a werewolf?”
Reader: “Well duh… he told you in the previous book.”

This time Bella makes some not so obvious observations and actually reads and references Wuthering Heights on numerous occasions. In the short break between New Moon and Eclipse Bella has also grown less whiny and improved her co-ordination. Yes, she’s still insecure but at least this time you can see why. Yes, she still has accidents but only twice and one of those is an injured hand caused by punching a werewolf. The other occasion is when she cuts herself in the forest and even then she smears the blood around to leave a false trail for the rival vampires.

Disappointingly however, when it gets to the fight scene Bella is still as needy as ever and the closest she gets to defending herself is self harming. Another negative is that the larger and more interesting battle is taking place some distance away and as readers we only witness it through what Edward chooses to tell us.

The Twilight series has never really been about plot though, it’s been about the emotional connection between Edward and Bella (read: will they ever get it on?) Since Stephenie Edward doesn’t believe in premarital sex a certain something has to happen first though and we find out Bella’s answer in this book (the suspense).

All in all, not a bad book, however, the writing style has now become something that can no longer be excused as American English or the grammar of a teenage girl. There are clear failures in proofing here and as I look at the length of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, the doorstop of a novel that follows it, I get the sinking feeling that Meyer’s publishers are too busy rolling in money to bother editing her manuscripts anymore.

*”I firmly believe that my fans are the most attractive, intelligent, exciting, and dedicated fans in the whole world. I wish I could give you each a big hug and a Porsche 911 Turbo.”

Jan

Cartoons Good, Finances Not So Much

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life List and Money

Even if I spent all day writing about Microsoft Vista and used most of the words that I won’t be using during Lent I don’t think I’d be able to describe it as well as this.

The same goes for my reviews of the Twilight series, the entire four books are more succintly summarised by these two cartoons (here and here, heaped with spoilers).

This post, however, isn’t about cartoons (maybe it should have been) it’s about my finances over the past five weeks (anyone who clicks the continue reading link has way too much free time).

Continue reading ‘Cartoons Good, Finances Not So Much’

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I'm a Stoke-on-Trent based blogger, journalist and semi-productive member of society. This blog is a record of my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.