New Moon, Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Do you think that Edward Cullen is a dishy dreamboat?  If so you should avoid reading New Moon, avoid reading the rest of this review and continue with your programme of medication (you’ll probably never be allowed to sleep in a room without padded walls but on the plus side, with phrases like “dishy dreamboat”, you obviously have world class alliteration skills).

If, however, you felt that Edward’s patronising and arrogant personality was matched only by Bella’s whiny petulance then you’re in for a treat.  For the first 450 pages of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer’s second attempt at a novel, the alabaster Adonis is off gallivanting around Brazil, Italy and I-don’t-even-care-anymore.

Unfortunately, this means readers are subjected to an extended emotional breakdown on the part of Bella and not much else.

With Edward out of the picture Bella picks up some dangerous and uncharacteristic pastimes (riding motorbikes, talking to strangers, jumping off cliffs and listening to rap music).  If you’re thinking “Wow, the new Bella sounds a lot more fun than the old one.  I’m glad she’s gaining some independence.” then I’m sorry to disappoint.  The only reason she’s doing any of these things is so she can hear Edward’s voice warning her to be careful.  Yes, that’s right, she hears voices.

Bella’s also made a new friend, Jacob Black.  His main interests include being a native American Indian, smiling, restoring his VW Rabbit and turning into a werewolf.  It takes Bella a long time to figure that last one out and it causes plenty of conflict in the couple’s not so gripping non-relationship (maybe she should have just re-read Twilight and paid more attention to the part where Jacob talks about his family being descended from wolves).

In the tradition of Twilight it is not until readers are the majority of the way through the book that Stephenie realises she’s going to need a plot.  Cue Alice and Bella hopping on a plane to Italy to rescue Edward from vampire elders the Volturi.  Even a vampire who’s been going through a dry spell of 110 years would be forced to admit that this section of the book is one hell of an anticlimax.

In summary, New Moon is a remarkable achievement; Stephenie has managed to create something that is even worse than Twilight.  By now your mind will be numb to the pain caused by her poor grammar and rampant Americanese and you will no longer expect any kind of action or character depth to be present on the pages.  All that will keep you reading is the hope that Edward will return and that something will happen (SPOILER: Yes he does and no it doesn’t).

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