I’ve searched the holy books
I tried to unravel the mystery of Jesus Christ, the saviour
I’ve read the poets and the analysts
Searched through the books on human behaviour
I travelled this world around
For an answer that refused to be found
I don’t know why and I don’t know how
But she’s nobody’s baby now.

Nobody’s Baby Now, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Anyone who’s known me long enough will know that I am fascinated with faith. More often than not this takes the form of stupid questions such as “Why did the Christian God guarantee Jews a place in heaven?” and “How do you live a good life if you’ve been reincarnated as a rock?”

Even though I don’t understand it I imagine faith would be a wonderful thing to have.  To believe that every good deed you do will be rewarded, that there is something more than life and that all seemingly random acts are part of a great plan must be reassuring.  To have a book to refer to in moral dilemmas rather than just trusting your gut must help too (although my gut’s getting quite good at this one).

I was not christened, nor were my parents regular churchgoers and so my first real encounter with Christianity was when I went to primary school.  We used to sing stuff like this;

I danced for the scribe and the pharisee,
But they would not dance and they would not follow me.
I danced for the fishermen, for James and John
They came with me and the dance went on.

Lord of the Dance, Sydney Carter

Back then I didn’t know what a scribe was, let alone a pharisee.  I still don’t know why everyone’s dancing.  This illustrates the problem with a lot of the stuff they taught me at school, they only taught me half of it (and most of that was wrong).  In my next post I will expose the deceitful treachery that is the song Who Built the Ark? (Brother Noah Built the Ark).

My second experience with religion was when I joined the Cub Scouts at the age of seven.  Just like at school we had to pray here too and just like at school I was getting nothing.  If I really squeezed my eyes closed I could get some weird patterns and I could always conjure up that night’s episode of The Simpsons in my head but this didn’t seem to be the point of the exercise.  Occasionally you’d sneak a peek at everyone else and wonder if it was working for them.

When Peter O’Toole said, “When did I realise I was God?  Well, I was praying and I suddenly realised I was talking to myself.” he might have been onto something, either that or he’s going to burn for all eternity.

The problem was you couldn’t ask people what they saw when they prayed, asking the difficult questions was always frowned upon.  I remember asking my dad what the animals on the ark ate and his response being, “Who have you been talking to?”

It was answers like this that made me attempt to read the Bible the first time around.  The only problem was that when I was little I thought you weren’t allowed to skip parts of a book and parts of the Bible are very boring (why they don’t put the family trees in an appendix like they do in The Lord of the Rings I’ll never know).  It is these tedious family trees that meant the first time I never made it past the third page.

In 2007 I tried again and managed maybe two to three books of the Bible.  It wasn’t until I took the Bible with me to China in 2008 (I’d promised someone that I would, don’t ask), finished all my other books and was stuck on a 24 hour train that I got as far as Samuel I (the ninth book of the Bible).

Unfortunately, when I got back to Britain I put the Bible on my “books I should read” pile and it’s been abandoned ever since.

When people find out that I’ve been attempting to read the Bible their response tends to be, “Why?  You’re not a Christian.”  This is true, I’d rather reject something I don’t fully understand than believe is half-heatedly.  it just seems weird that a book that has shaped our culture, is the basis for our legal system and has influenced the language and imagery of artists for generations is only read by Christians (and somehow I think they might be biased).

So, with all this in mind, every time I read a book of the Bible (yes, I’m starting again for a third time) I will try and write some kind of summary for the blog in a feature I have decided to dub “Atheist Bible Study.”  Hopefully it’ll be amusing enough for people to read it and inoffensive enough for my effigy not to get burnt in the streets.