Archive for January, 2009



12
Jan

Little Monster Training: Week One

Little Monster Reward ChartLast week I took a photo of my desk, I took a picture of my breakfast, I reviewed some stuff I should have reviewed a long time ago and I even blogged about stuff I should do.

The only problem was that I didn’t get that much done.

It’s time to take a look over the list and to see how I’m progressing with my various challenges.

1. Write more

In December 2003 I began an online journal called The Diary of a Nobody.  It was hosted on a computer gaming forum and key themes included charity work and vomiting.   It continued into early 2006 and its end coincided, coincidentally, with me moving into Charity’s house and discovering The Sopranos.

In February 2007 I decided to copy paste the Ember Lounge Comedy Club reviews I was writing onto Scribbled Words, the Blogger blog that Antonio had convinced me to setup.  This blog fizzled and died in June 2007.

Over those five years I made 16 blog posts totalling 18,213 words (never let it be said that I don’t keep proper records).  In under two months I have, not including this post, written 20 posts which equate to 10,179 words.

To summarise, yes, I’m writing more.

In my first post on this blog I added a number of subclauses to this challenge.

1a. Blog at least once a week.  This has been so successful that I’m now going to aim to write 500 words a day and blog at least three times a week (one of these will always be on Monday).

1b. Import blog to Facebook.  Really wasn’t that hard.

1c. Install Facebook’s Visual Bookshelf, read more books and then review them.  If you need proof that this has been achieved read my Twilight reviews.  Expect something slightly more intellectual when I complete the series.

1d. Do one day a week of work experience at The Sentinel.  My work experience probably does equate to one day a week but it hasn’t been that consistent, mainly due to me looking for work or not being able to afford to get to their offices.

1e. Freelance.  Yeah, you got me.  Maybe this should be a challenge for 2009.

1f. Nanowrimo.  I’ve read the book and I’m ready to go.

In other writing news, I’ve been providing the words to accompany Antonio’s pictures on Deadline.  The only problem now is that people are reading them (Created in Birmingham and Pete Ashton) which means I’m probably going to have to finish the story.

2. Get out of debt

My financial situation is depressing at the best of times but no one should have to read about it on a Monday.  Maybe tomorrow, if I have the strength, I will redraw the graph and summarise the past five debt incurring weeks.

3. Give blood

Well, we all know what happened last time.  I’m now booked in to bleed on Friday 27th March, they’re even going to throw in a free malaria test.

4. Wake up at a reasonable hour

Up showered and dressed by 9:30am every weekday?  I was being unrealistic.  This week I’m going to try and be out of bed and half awake by 9:30am.  No, it didn’t happen today.  No, that’s not the point.  If instead of drinking tea and reading Eclipse into the early hours I went to bed instead this could work.

5. Give up swearing for Lent

I have a 1,000 word post scheduled to go live when Lent begins on February 25th.  It takes a look back at things I’ve previously quit for Lent, looks at what punishments are in place if I slip up and also contains a comprehensive list of words I’m not allowed to use.  Swearing experts were consulted and apparently the only word I missed was pisstard.

6. Learn to drive

Ich habe kein geld.

7. Complete my degree

Ill be looking into this one soon.

8. Keep eating steak and crumpets

Last week I ate two packs of crumpets and I’ve already started writing about steak (200 words) and researching steak related products.  When I eat steak again depends on my finances and getting 20 ticks on my Little Monster chart (a rather paltry 7 ticks last week).

As for the other challenges, not much has happened; breakfast hasn’t been a daily occurrence but it will be when I sort out my sleep pattern, I attempted speed blogging but decided against publishing the result and I can probably sign my name in BSL if I really think about it (and Gingell shows me what the sign for n is again).

07
Jan

The Secret to Good Comedy is…

…timing.  Ironic considering the poorly timed nature of this post.  I will be having a little look back at the controversy that surrounded Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross last year and then reviewing a comedy performance that took place on Sunday 7th December.

In case you missed the fiasco you can read the BBC’s summary of events; Russell Brand Prank Calls ( it would have been hard to miss; after the earthquake in Pakistan it was still front page news and and even when police shot dead a man in London the main story on BBC News’ England page was still Brand and Ross).

To summarise, Russel Brand called Andrew Sachs (aka Fawlty Towers‘ Manuel) after the actor failed to appear on the Brand’s Radio 2 show.  Brand got the answering machine and Jonathan Ross, who was a guest on the show, alleged that Russell slept with Sachs’ granddaughter Georgina Baillie (this turned out to be true).  the duo then made a series of further calls as they attempted to apologise to the actor is a humorous way.

The pre-recorded show was then approved at every editorial level and edits requested by Sachs were made to the recording.  The show was then broadcast to the nation and received two complaints (only one of which referred directly to the answer machine material).

Unfortunately, the one objector was obviously a Daily Mail reader and wasn’t long before the infamous tabloid was calling for the public execution of Jonathan Ross and for Russell Brand to be flogged in the streets of London (okay I made that part up but I wouldn’t put it past them).

The way the media spun this story was impressive.   In one of the messages Ross says “If he’s [Sachs'] like most people of a certain age, he’s probably got a picture of his grandchildren when they’re young right by the phone. So while he’s listening to the messages, he’s looking at a picture of her about nine on a swing.” and based on what you read in the papers you could easily imagine Georgina as a rosy faced cherub with flowers in her hair and a lace outfit styled by Little Bo Peep.  By the end of some articles you found yourself muttering “What nasty, nasty men, how dare they question the chastity of a lady?  Hanging’s too good for them.”

So let’s take a look at Georgina.  Some people would say you shouldn’t judge a person based on their appearance.  I would say “But she’s created a top for herself using a pixelated image of Frankenstein’s monster and a bike chain.  She’s then used black electrical tape to cover her nipples.”

Note how I’m linking to a family friendlyish image here and not stills from her lesbian porn movie, footage of her Channel X career or anything to do with her burlesque troupe Satanic Sluts Extreme.

The worst that Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand did here was call a ho a ho.

I’m going to wrap this up with, for me, the most confusing part of this whole sorry saga.  Since 1991 Jonathan Ross has hosted the British Comedy Awards.  In 2008 he resigned from his position as host saying that it would “take away from the awards themselves or the many talented winners of the awards.”

Ross’ replacement was Angus Deayton.  A man who was fired from the BBC five years earlier for snorting cocaine with hookers instead of spending time with his then pregnant girlfriend.

Comedians should be judged on their jokes alone and, if we have to pretend we have some kind of morality, we should at least try and be consistent.

One comedian who isn’t afraid of controversial topics, and as far as I know hasn’t been fired for sleeping with hookers yet, is Jason Canham.

I was meant to go and see him perform on Sunday 7th December but, as anyone who’s been reading my blog and taking notes will know, that day I only just managed to escape exhausted from Birmingham with a bad cold.

jason_canham

Jason Canham takes to the stage of the Leek Road Venue

Thankfully I was able to catch up with the six minute slot on his blog Student Giggles.  The first time I saw Jason perform was at the GKmedia Awards, this time he returned to the stage with more than a day’s preparation and some more mainstream material.

It’s hard to judge his performance based solely on YouTube videos.  I can’t properly gauge audience responses, I can’t see the comedian’s facial expressions and I don’t even know what acts preceded him.

Nonetheless, I’ve always been impressed by Jason’s acid tongued responses that seem to come from nowhere and these were apparent in his act.  His set covered national, international and student issues.  There were jokes about Barack Obama and child abuse but then there were also gags about Hollyoaks and a brilliant student game called Pull the Pig.

Jason’s nervous pacing, especially when he walked off camera, and the lack of links between the jokes were the only niggles I could find and with more preparation and practice he can only get better.  Hopefully next time he’s performing I’ll be well enough to see him in person.

06
Jan

New Moon: A Remarkable Achievement

new_moon_book_coverNew Moon, Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Do you think that Edward Cullen is a dishy dreamboat?  If so you should avoid reading New Moon, avoid reading the rest of this review and continue with your programme of medication (you’ll probably never be allowed to sleep in a room without padded walls but on the plus side, with phrases like “dishy dreamboat”, you obviously have world class alliteration skills).

If, however, you felt that Edward’s patronising and arrogant personality was matched only by Bella’s whiny petulance then you’re in for a treat.  For the first 450 pages of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer’s second attempt at a novel, the alabaster Adonis is off gallivanting around Brazil, Italy and I-don’t-even-care-anymore.

Unfortunately, this means readers are subjected to an extended emotional breakdown on the part of Bella and not much else.

With Edward out of the picture Bella picks up some dangerous and uncharacteristic pastimes (riding motorbikes, talking to strangers, jumping off cliffs and listening to rap music).  If you’re thinking “Wow, the new Bella sounds a lot more fun than the old one.  I’m glad she’s gaining some independence.” then I’m sorry to disappoint.  The only reason she’s doing any of these things is so she can hear Edward’s voice warning her to be careful.  Yes, that’s right, she hears voices.

Bella’s also made a new friend, Jacob Black.  His main interests include being a native American Indian, smiling, restoring his VW Rabbit and turning into a werewolf.  It takes Bella a long time to figure that last one out and it causes plenty of conflict in the couple’s not so gripping non-relationship (maybe she should have just re-read Twilight and paid more attention to the part where Jacob talks about his family being descended from wolves).

In the tradition of Twilight it is not until readers are the majority of the way through the book that Stephenie realises she’s going to need a plot.  Cue Alice and Bella hopping on a plane to Italy to rescue Edward from vampire elders the Volturi.  Even a vampire who’s been going through a dry spell of 110 years would be forced to admit that this section of the book is one hell of an anticlimax.

In summary, New Moon is a remarkable achievement; Stephenie has managed to create something that is even worse than Twilight.  By now your mind will be numb to the pain caused by her poor grammar and rampant Americanese and you will no longer expect any kind of action or character depth to be present on the pages.  All that will keep you reading is the hope that Edward will return and that something will happen (SPOILER: Yes he does and no it doesn’t).

Related Posts

Twilight: Cheaper Than Heroin
Eclipse: Now With Added Plot
Breaking Dawn: Just Say No

05
Jan

The Thinking Man’s Crumpets

There are only three reasons I can refuse a challenge;

  1. I don’t think it would make my life better.
  2. It contradicts one of the challenges I already have (remember that point two is “Get out of debt” so any expensive challenges are out).
  3. The challenge will result in death, injury or mutilation.

So when Guy said, “Keep eating steak” I had to do it and then when Antonio said, “Eat more crumpets” I had to do that too.

Today I wanted to write something like;

Was up, showered and dressed by 9:15am.  Had crumpets for breakfast and made tea.  While the kettle was boiling I discovered the cure to cancer (don’t know why it was in the kitchen though).  Then I spent the rest of the morning applying for jobs online and fielding calls from all the people that wanted to hire me.  While enjoying elevensies the solution to world hunger suddenly came to me and I hastily scribbled it down on a paper napkin.  By the time my housemates had rolled out of bed I had successfully solved two world problems and completed half a dozen challenges.

Unfortunately all of that is lies.  Apart from the crumpet bit, that much is true.

Cheese crumpets, Marmite crumpets, Marmite cheese crumpets, tea

Cheese crumpets, Marmite crumpets, Marmite cheese crumpets, tea

If you love Marmite and enjoy cheddar with so much flavour it frightens small children then Marmite cheddar is a good investment.  Otherwise steer well clear.

03
Jan

Deskscape: January 2009

Deadline started on Thursday 1st January and since then one still image from Antonio’s film and one sentence from my short story have been going live every day (you should check it out, stuff is starting to happen). This made me think about how best to show the passing of time using a set of still images and it made me think of Vanity Fair.

Vanity Fair is a brilliant magazine.  Their photoshoots objectify women in some of the most obvious ways I have ever seen, the editorial is always riddled with anti-Bush rhetoric and weird lifestyle features rub up against in depth political articles.

One of my favourite features is when they photograph a celebrity’s desk and then annotate it.  Obviously the celebrities are wise to Vanity’s plan because normally the text reads something like;

This ivory and diamond desk was presented to him by the continent of Africa in recognition of his humanitarian work.  On it sits a one of a kind Apple Mac that Steve Jobs made with his bare hands.  The desk is almost paperless apart from letters from Oprah and Obama.  This fan mail is kept in check by the Oscar statuette that he uses as a paperweight (“There was simply no room left in my trophy room.”)

I’ve decided to do something similar each month (without redressing my desk first, obviously).

deskscape_jan

  1. FHM Calendar - Can’t write your appointments next to the dates.  Disappointing.
  2. Outside - I have heard bad things about this place.
  3. Desk Tidy - 16 Pens, 5 Marker Pens, 5 Pencils, 1 Absinthe Spoon.
  4. Reference Books – Kingdom of Fear, Happy Birthday Jack Nicholson, Holy Bible.
  5. Vice Magazine - The Clowny Clown Issue, October 2008, cover features: Oopsy da Clown, nipple count: 29.
  6. FHM - Travel Edition, January 2009, cover features: Katy Perry, nipple count: 4.
  7. Wool – Found in the street, not quite sure what to do with this.
  8. Japanese Peace Lily – Simon Pegg stole the idea from me.
  9. Paperweight – Thistle head eternally encapsulated in glass.  From Kew Gardens.
  10. Blanket – Good for picnics.





About


All aboard the special bus Born in Paignton, somewhat educated in Stoke-on-Trent and living in Peterborough. I am a footsoldier in the army of the unemployed and an occasional blogger. I spend my days applying for jobs and watching Glee.

I survive on caffeine, willpower and savings alone. This blog is a record of my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.

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