Last month I photographed my desk. Then I labelled it. There were a number of ideas behind this project which I christened Deskscape.  It was an allusion to a feature that Vanity Fair used to run (and for all I know still does), it would create a series of photos that would document the passing of time, it was something I could regularly blog with minimal effort and, finally, it would give you an insight into my life as the objects and projects on my desk changed.

1. Desklamp -Nothing keeps you awake quite like potentially lethal doses of caffeine, extreme cold and shining a bright light into your eyes.
2. Screen – Last month’s Deskscape but then you probably knew that.
3. I ♥ tea mug - Gingell bought me this one.
4. Blue Notebook - Contains notes on the fall of man and similar light hearted themes.
5. Pink Notebook - A grab bag of notes that glance at various topics including; speaking in tongues, the drug problem in North Philly and my Christmas card list.
6. Wallet - Nowadays I carry this more out of tradition, it’s not like it has any money in it.  Here’s what it does have in it; overdrawn HSBC card, overdrawn Lloyds TSB card, overdrawn Nationwide card, Nectar card, Harry’s Bar silver loyalty card (actually signed), student card that expired last year, press pass that expired last year, a student railcard (expires in June) and half a dozen business cards for people I already know.
7. FHM Calendar -It may be a new month but this calendar remains a disappointment, the models are posed in some of the most awkward and unflattering poses I have ever seen and it is obvious that the photo editor has struggled to pull together 12 photos that fit the calendar’s landscape format.  This is the picture that FHM have selected to represent February.

According to Google Images Abbey Clancy can be attractive, obviously just not in this photo.  The only way to make this pose look even the slightest bit naturalistic is to draw a chalk line around her corpse.  I half expect Gil Grissom to duck meaningfully under the crime scene tape and make some literary allusion to dead hookers.

If I had to guess I’d say COD was blunt force trauma to the head with the Polaroid camera (amateurishly left at the scene) and that, when they match the prints on it to the perp, they will find her suspenders in the boot of his car (the freak).

If I was going to blog this mental sidebar then I was going to need the accompanying picture.  While trawling the internet in search of it (I was successful) I came across some pictures of Bond girl Olga Kurylenko. This photo shoot for Maxim (Germany) then linked to the shoot she did for Maxim (USA).

So far, so similar.  It’s the same photo set with four images scrapped in favour of a previously unseen pic of Olga sucking her thumb. Then I clicked the NSFW Maxim (Ukraine) shoot she did.  For those of you struggling to spot the difference I’ve created a helpful little graphic;

If the US/ German shoot was a piece of dialogue it’d be something like; “Yeah, I have got some sexy clothes but why are we shooting this in a meat locker?  I’m sticking around because I need the money but don’t think I won’t be telling my agent.”

The Ukraine photos read something more like; “These photos are going to be so sweet, I can’t wait till when we have kids and I can show them what a pretty body mommy had.  Anyway, how about we head back to the hotel – I could really use some more coffee and sex.”

I’ve never really thought about the liberal attitudes of Ukraine. I’ve never really thought about Ukraine for that matter.  Maybe we’re more conservative than I think.  If Ukraine keeps exporting stuff like this though it won’t be long before everyone’s taking their clothes off to get into magazines.  Wait a minute…