Normally I don’t believe in censoring swear words.  If you haven’t got the guts to write f— then you probably shouldn’t be using it.  It’s not as if any of your readers are going to be sat there thinking, “Four letters beginning with an F.  Face?  Fact?  Fame?  What can it be?”  This post, however, is about quitting swearing for Lent and so all swear words are appropriately censored.  I was going to use asterisks but it seemed a little bit too tabloid so I’ve gone for dashes, just imagine you’re reading a Victorian novel.

There’s No Such Word as Can’t

In 2005 I gave up alcohol for Lent. This was easy for me but harder for my housemate.  Everytime he went out drinking and was asked where I was he had to say, “He’s at home watching Desperate Housewives.”

In 2006 I gave up all caffeinated drinks.  This was hard.  For the first three days I suffered headaches and for the first two weeks I had to take an a nap at 3pm everyday.  By week three I wasn’t experiencing any physical withdrawal symptoms but would find myself absent mindedly clicking on the kettle in the morning and whenever I got writer’s block.  Luckily, I had  pre-empted this and given away all my tea.

In 2007 I ran out of vices to give up.

This year Charity (someone I have only sworn around on three occasions in the same number of years) has suggested I give up swearing.  So for the next forty days and forty nights I shall be refraining from swearing at all animals, vegetables and minerals.  I will not be writing swear words nor will I be singing or quoting anything that contains cusses.

If I slip up, and it’s more than likely I will, I will be putting £1 into my swear tin which at the end of Lent will be donated to a worthy charity chosen by readers.  All slip ups will be fully documented on this very blog.

Just to make clear what constitutes swearing I’ve made a list.

A–/ A— (buttocks) – The four lettered one is considered regional dialect and is perfectly acceptable at the BBC.  I am not at the BBC, both words are banned.

B—— (illegitimate child) -I will be allowing myself to use this to refer to people who were born out of wedlock.  Also the word bastardised is a fantastic word for any substandard product and will remain in use.

B—- (female dog) – Actually offensive.

Bloody – Not offensive, still banned.

B——- (male genitalia) – For the following forty days I will be referring to genitalia using the kind of words you get in Biology textbooks.  Anything that is a lie or is slipshod will be described as such.

Bugger – Quaint and very, very English but pretty nasty when you think about it.  Banned.

Bull—- (I receive this a lot).

Bunny – When I lived with Charity and wanted to quote something that contained swearing I would replace all the offensive words with the word bunny.  This is lazy and ridiculous.  Plus banning it makes the challenge harder and, no, I’m not allowed to come up with a bunny substitute.

C— (male genitalia) – It’s all too easy to use this word to refer to the incompetent people whose problems you have to fix.  Other words in a similar vein include dick, knob and prick.  All are banned, as are balls.

C— (defecation) - This word isn’t even offensive but I’m scrapping it too.  Some great replacements include; crud, trash, tripe, garbage, dross and dregs.

C— (female genitalia) – This is an old Norse word that in theory is less offensive than the word vagina (a Latin word that means a sheath for a sword).  Plus it was reclaimed by Eve Ensler in The Vagina Monologues.  Nonetheless, it’s probably the most offensive swear word out there.  (Also G—, P—-, P—-clot, T—).

Damn – Not even offensive but one of those words you reach for instead of thinking.  Gosh darn, cotton sarn it and dagnammit are all very amusing substitutes.

Hell – Probably only Ned Flanders still considers this as a swear word but it’s also forbidden.  I tend to use it to emphasise an otherwise mundane statement eg. “Hell no” (no) and “Hell do I know” (I don’t know).

F— – Most commonly used by me in the phrase “F— that s—” (no).  A great and forceful response to questions such as “Are you coming to the roller disco?” and “Would you like decaf?” Other great phrases include f— buddy (friend with benefits) and mindf— (it screwed with my head).

Faggotry – Someone I know (who shall remain nameless) refers to things that are broken or dysfunctional as gay.  This takes me back to primary school and seems pretty offensive, I didn’t want the phrase “this is so gay” to catch on in my head and so me and my brain came up with a compromise, “what is this faggotry?”  which is still really offensive.  Hopefully banned for life.

God – All blasphemy is banned.  Stacey had cured me of this but recently I’ve noticed it creeping back in phrases such as “God forsaken hell hole” and “Dear Lord, for all that is good and holy.”

N—– (racial slur) – Just because Wu-Tang says it doesn’t mean you should too.

P— (urinate) – I will be using the words urinate, pee and piddle.  I will be using the words drunk, inebriated and gazeboed.  I will use the phrase “It is raining heavily.”

Retard - Now only to be used in the “my progress was slowed” kind of way eg. The job hunt was retarded by my not getting out of bed.  (Also F—tard, Techtard).

S— (defecation) – Works so well in the phrase “No s— (Sherlock).”  Banned.

Slut – Useful when discussing celebrity news (also Ho, Skank, Whore).  The phrase “community sperm bank” stays.

W— (masturbation) – The Americans came up with a great word wanksta (wannabe gangsta) this too is banned because I use it as a term of abuse.

All plurals, variations and combinations of these words are also banned.  If you can think any other words that should be exorcised from my lexis then post a comment and let me know, if you’re really creative I might even buy you a drink (if you live in another country this could be difficult).