The sun shone brightly in the sky but no matter how brightly it shone in Stoke it was still cold.  The broken glass beneath Scribble’s feet cracked like ice as he made his way along the alleyway and the smell of disappointment hung in the air.  It was either disappointment or a blocked drain, one of the two thought Scribs.

Scribble was jumped from this mid afternoon reverie by the sound of a high pitched voice emanating from somewhere near his ankle.  “Spare some change governor?” said the pig as he stared up at Scribble with the most beautiful pair of eyes Scribs had ever seen.

It was at the moment that Scribble knew that they would be together forever (or at least until the end of Lent when Scribble would have no further use for a piggy bank).  For the past few months Mr Piggles, as the pig turned out to be called, had been turning tricks for money in downtown Shelton (he once let a bearded Stokie who couldn’t afford a bacon sandwich lick him for a quid).  Scribs took Piggles away from all of that and now, everytime he swears, he will give the pig a pound.  No licking involved.

Here is a list of all the times I have sworn this week and been forced to surrender a pound to Mr Piggles;

Wednesday 25th February

00:42 – “What the h***?”  Please don’t send me poorly structured paragraphs which lack punctuation or purpose when I’m trying to quit swearing.  Poor writing equals poor thinking, sort it out.

15:00 – “H*** knows.” In conversation with Gingell and Baines.

19:20 – “H***.” Standing in the shower with an aching head and a pessimistic outlook I used this word a few seconds before the cold water hit my back.

Subtotal: £3

Thursday 26th February

3:41 – “F***ing stunning.” I muttered under my breath while reviewing the day’s post.

4:20 – “H***.” Vector graphs are not my friend as I prepare for Friday’s post.

14:19 – “Stop hanging round with the clowns and the w***stas, good girls gotta get down with the gangsters.”  Suffice to say I am very much ashamed, if you know which song this is from please keep quiet.

14:38 – “Where the h***?”  For a second I was lost and could not locate the Nationwide branch.

22:54 – “She was alright apart from when she used to grab my c*** in public.”  This was factually accurate, only problem is I should have used the word penis.

21:32 – “At least I’ll be warm in H***.” After an indepth conversation where I discussed how even Thomas doubted and how I wouldn’t want to worship a God who misled us to test our faith I ended with this statement.  In my head it was funny, in reality it cost a pound.

Subtotal: £7

Friday 27th February

13:44 – “I do in a half-a**ed kind of way.”  When told I should promote my blog on Facebook.

Subtotal: Oh, come on you can figure that one out.

Saturday 28th February

Subtotal: £0 (oh yeah).

Sunday 1st March

Subtotal: £0

Week One’s Grand Total: £10

Not the best start to Lent but not too bad, once I realised I was using the word h*** as a stopgap in my sentences it became a lot easier.  A big thanks to Baines for lending me Mr Piggles, I will make sure he is safely returned to you in April, and thanks for letting me use your camera (if you were thinking the pictures look less sucky than usual it’s because the technology is better and definitely not because I became anymore skillful).  Have a look here to see how Baines is doing going Facebook free.

Thanks to the good people at Totem Films for taking an interest in the challenge, to the extent that they printed my list of banned words and stuck it to their office wall.  I’m slightly less grateful for them trying to provoke me to swear, no matter how many times they tell me they’re trying to raise money for charity.  If you want to help Gingell raise more money you could just go here.

List Amendments (for the benefit of the Totem Films wall)

It has been brought to my attention that some offensive words and phrases are missing from what I thought was a comprehensive list.

Come/ Cum - Any word or phrase for semen, other than semen, ejaculate or special sauce (sorry but it’s too funny) is now banned.  This rules out use of the phrase “you are a cum stain on the sheet of human existence” until April, which is disappointing.

Dyke – Just so the lesbians don’t feel excluded.

There are words – In the Bartlet administration (yes, it’s a West Wing reference, deal with it) they weren’t allowed to say the word recession so they used the word bagel instead.

Last year I did something similar with swear words and the word b***y (Peter Rabbit and Bugs B***y, I can’t write it but I think you can guess it.  They are small fluffy creatures that enjoy sex and not being eaten, although that is probably true for most animals, apart from the fluffy bit).  I have banned the b***y word from Lent and have been good at not finding a replacement word.

Unfortunately I have found a replacement phrase. “There are words”, “There are words for people like you”, “There are words which I won’t be using until April” and all variants are now banned. So if you say something that is likely to provoke me and I respond by telling you that I love you, or you have good hair or how blue the sky is today it is only to stop myself from using this phrase.  In extreme circumstances I may just sit in silence and glower at you.