2009 September | The Adventures of Scribbleboy

Archive for September, 2009

Sep

All of Humanity in Garish White Shoes

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Life, Life List and Run

...and when I woke up I was in a field, wrapped in tin foil drinking someone else's urine. Again.

The river of liquid cheese slowly coursed its way through the greasy lamb and bacon landscape, navigating the occasional deep-fried onion ring, before slipping over the burger bun and dripping, with the gentlest of patter, onto my chip-infested plate.

“You’re not taking this race training very seriously are you?” said Frosty. Looking back at him across the Wetherspoon’s table, I took a sip of my pint as I considered his question.

Sunday 13 September

The sky was an early morning shade of grey and Regent’s Park thronged with runners. Maybe I should have been more concerned with my lack of training but my little head was revelling in the fact that I had woken up at 5am and was not tired, had eaten breakfast and that the t-shirt in my race pack meant I had successfully infiltrated this herd of joggers.

Shortly after Gingell and I arrived, Matt (aka blankbadge) showed up. It was good to finally meet him, although he maintains this has happened before. After being spoilt for choice when it came to picking out a portaloo, we made our way to a wet bench where we busied ourselves safety-pinning our race numbers to our tops (475, since you ask) and fastening our timing chips to our laces to measure our start and finish times. It may also be worth remembering that the top of your race number should line up with the base of your breastbone, remember this well else the real runners may turn on you.

Eventually we were led through a presumably thorough warm up, although I don’t really have anything to compare it to, before being separated off into our holding pens. There were four; ranging from orange, for those whose predicted running times were a death wish, through white (Gingell) and onto more sensible segments such as green (yours truly) and pink (Matt).

Then we waited. The excitement began to fade and the cold set in, and then half an half hour later there was a stirring and we began the slow collective walk to the start line. In front of me a grey haired man with a beige hearing aid, a young girl with a big wig and a neck tattoo, a middle aged couple repeatedly sucking face, all of humanity decked out in garish white shoes.

And then we were off. The group slowly spread out and with that I was able to find a comfortable speed without tripping over anyone.

If you want to talk training and technique then it’s probably best to head on over to Gingell’s blog but at that stage all I knew was this; if I don’t finish this race Gingell will mock me relentlessly, therefore I must finish this race. The reason I fail at running is because I don’t pace myself, therefore I must keep pace with these running experts around me.

Whether they were running experts or not I shall never know but it seemed to work. The first two kilometres were pleasant; I took in the park scenery and was generally impressed by lots of smiley marshals who had matched their yellow tops with metallic accessories.

After that I began to experience the dullest of aches in my belly but it was nothing compared with my usual running pains, this was probably because I was keeping a sensible pace. At three kilometres there was a water stand, further on someone attempted to play the didgeridoo (either that or someone spiked the water stand), at four people were chanting my name (well, they were chanting the name Jon, that’s good enough for me) and then onto five, seconds before crossing the finish line I saw Gingell cheering me on and then it was over.

I had run five kilometres in 30 minutes 42 seconds, which for a non-runner is rather impressive.

As I picked up my goodie bag I felt drained but I also felt a real sense of achievement. After stretching (I just copied Gingell) I sat, wrapped in my space blanket, sucking on my Powerade, thinking.

Prior to the run Matt had asked me why I was doing this race and I hadn’t really been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. Running was a way to bond with Gingell, running was something people wouldn’t expect me to do, running was something that I was good at, yet also a sport.

Ultimately, I may be forced to admit that I like running.

Sep

How to be Broke

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Life List and Money

The other day my friend’s Facebook status read “Stan Chau has no money till Friday :(” and instead of responding with “sux 2 b u lolz” or whatever the correct etiquette is these days I decided to type some tongue-in-cheek survival tips. The response was unexpectedly positive, so I’ve decided to expand on them and put them up here. Think of it as a tasty little starter to the rather bland but filling main course that is Finance July.

How to be Broke

So, You Think You’re Broke

More than likely you’re not broke, you just think you’re broke because a paycheck or student loan is taking longer than expected to arrive (if this isn’t the case, and you have no savings of any kind, you should probably seek real financial advice rather than reading my blog).

This delusion of brokeness first sets in when an ATM refuses to give you any money. Instead of panicking, take your bank card to student cash point (the kind that dispenses five pound notes) and make a withdrawal. If you can’t find one or you have less than a fiver in your account go to your nearest branch and make a withdrawal, it might also be worth asking for an overdraft extension while you’re there (the worst they can do is say no).

Now collect together all the change you have in your trouser pockets, coat pockets and change jar. Have a look down the back of your sofa and under your bed. Is there a place you hide money for emergencies? Look there. It’s also worth thoroughly examining your wallet, more often than not there’s a slot that you “never use” that turns out to be harbouring a fiver. Also collect any foreign coins you have and take it all to a Coinstar machine.

Food

By now you should have almost £10, and it’s more than likely that the Coinstar machine you’re standing at is located in a supermarket, so it’s time to go food shopping. Whatever you do, however, don’t do this when you’re hungry or else you’ll just end up buying yourself snacks that you’ll have consumed before you’re even halfway home.

Stick to the end of the aisles because this is where all the deals are located. Try and purchase things that will turn the leftovers you have at home into edible meals, it is useful to remember the following universal laws;

anything + bread = a sandwich

anything + eggs = an omelette

Also it is inevitable that you have tonnes of dusty pasta and rice, buy some sauce so you can actually eat this stuff. If you don’t already have it, purchase some granulated coffee. When you run out of food start making very strong cups of coffee so thick they’re like paste, this will stave off hunger for a while.

Fun

The cheapest hobby you can ever take up is sleeping, try and do this as much as possible. When you do find yourself conscious, drinking will help you through this (understand that these tips are “tongue-in-cheek”, so if your mother or your liver start complaining you can’t hold me responsible). Find an open bar or at least a bar that will serve you free drinks. Free food and free drink should now be the criteria you use to decide which social events you attend. If friends and family owe you money or dinner now is the time to collect those debts.

For numerous examples of what not to do, keep reading.

Continue reading ‘How to be Broke’

Sep

In Defence of High School Musical

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Film, High School Musical, Life List and Review

This blog asks you to do one thing – challenge me. It should probably make a second request – for you to explain your challenge. While “write more” and “eat breakfast daily” require little explanation, requests such as “review All High School Musical Films” are likely to leave people scratching their heads as to how they will improve my life.

When Gingell first set this challenge I wrote that “Sometimes I think Gingell is trying to fashion me into the gay BFF she never had.” but I think it’s more likely to be another attempt to emasculate me for her own amusement.

High School Musical

There are three kinds of people that hate High School Musical and I have sympathy for none of them.*

The first kind have assumed they don’t like this film without even watching it.

The second kind were “forced” to watch the film by a loved one. These are the High School haters I seem to encounter the most. The only problem with them is that when they’re telling me that “it’s got Zac Efron in it” and how they had to sit through “like songs and stuff” all I’m hearing is;

My girlfriend loves this film and loves sharing stuff with me. I spent an hour and forty minutes snuggling with her on the sofa. There was beer and snacks.

I most definitely have no sympathy for you people.

The third variety of haters, however, are the most bizarre. In fact if you watched A Clockwork Orange and then complained about the lack of mechanised fruit you’d appear normal in comparison with these people. These are the people who watched High School Musical and were disappointed there were songs in it, or watched this Disney movie and then complained that it was too cheesy. Most everything you need to know about this film is contained in the title; Disney’s High School Musical. If you’re still unsure about whether you’ll like this film, watch the first minute. If you want to know where the plot’s heading, watch an additional three minutes, or alternatively, keep reading.

Troy Bolton (Zac Efron) and Gabriella Montez (Vanessa Hudgens) share a love that dare not speak its name, the forbidden love of a jock and a nerd.

While Troy is captain of East High School’s Wildcat basketball team, Gabriella is a Hollywood nerd, by which I mean she’s like a regular nerd apart from she looks stunning, has good hair and skin, can sing and dance and lacks any kind of social dysfunction.

Brought together through ski lodge karaoke, the duo form a special bond which soon leads them onto activities that both their social groups deem unacceptable, namely auditioning for their high school musical. With Troy and Gabriella’s names on the play sign-up sheet it isn’t long before other characters are confessing their deep dark secrets; everything from playing the cello to a love for baking. These shocking confessions are revealed and promptly condemned in the musical number Stick To The Status Quo.

It is not just the status quo that is being threatened but also the positions of drama queen Sharpay Evans and raging queen Ryan. This brother and sister double act resort to dirty tricks when it looks like Troy and Gabriella might oust them from the musical’s lead roles. Like all baddies in Disney movies, however, they ultimately fail, as do the jocks and nerds who try to dissuade Gabriella and Troy from trying something different.

All are shown the error of their ways when the star-crossed lovers sing Breaking Free (“You know the world can see us/ In a way that’s different than who we are/ Creating space between us/ Till we’re separate hearts”) and all renounce their wrong-headed and divisive ways in the final number We’re All in This Together.

The songs may not be amazing and the plot may rely on cliché but as a whole this film works, the characters are developed just enough to be engaging and the film is permeated by a gentle humour which means you can’t take it too seriously. If you hated this film you probably hated every Disney film and every musical you ever watched. I have no sympathy for you, Disney’s High School Musical did nothing more than what it said it would on the box.

* Antonio, as per usual, you are an exception to the rule. High School Musical family karaoke sounds truly horrific.

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I'm a Stoke-on-Trent based blogger, journalist and semi-productive member of society. This blog is a record of my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.