The other day my friend’s Facebook status read “Stan Chau has no money till Friday :(” and instead of responding with “sux 2 b u lolz” or whatever the correct etiquette is these days I decided to type some tongue-in-cheek survival tips.  The response was unexpectedly positive, so I’ve decided to expand on them and put them up here.  Think of it as a tasty little starter to the rather bland but filling main course that is Finance July.

How to be Broke

So, You Think You’re Broke

More than likely you’re not broke, you just think you’re broke because a paycheck or student loan is taking longer than expected to arrive (if this isn’t the case, and you have no savings of any kind, you should probably seek real financial advice rather than reading my blog).

This delusion of brokeness first sets in when an ATM refuses to give you any money.  Instead of panicking, take your bank card to student cash point (the kind that dispenses five pound notes) and make a withdrawal.  If you can’t find one  or you have less than a fiver in your account go to your nearest branch and make a withdrawal, it might also be worth asking for an overdraft extension while you’re there (the worst they can do is say no).

Now collect together all the change you have in your trouser pockets, coat pockets and change jar.  Have a look down the back of your sofa and under your bed.  Is there a place you hide money for emergencies?  Look there.  It’s also worth thoroughly examining your wallet, more often than not there’s a slot that you “never use” that turns out to be harbouring a fiver.  Also collect any foreign coins you have and take it all to a Coinstar machine.

Food

By now you should have almost £10, and it’s more than likely that the Coinstar machine you’re standing at is located in a supermarket, so it’s time to go food shopping.  Whatever you do, however, don’t do this when you’re hungry or else you’ll just end up buying yourself snacks that you’ll have consumed before you’re even halfway home.

Stick to the end of the aisles because this is where all the deals are located.  Try and purchase things that will turn the leftovers you have at home into edible meals, it is useful to remember the following universal laws;

anything + bread = a sandwich

anything + eggs = an omelette

Also it is inevitable that you have tonnes of dusty pasta and rice, buy some sauce so you can actually eat this stuff.  If you don’t already have it, purchase some granulated coffee.  When you run out of food start making very strong cups of coffee so thick they’re like paste, this will stave off hunger for a while.

Fun

The cheapest hobby you can ever take up is sleeping, try and do this as much as possible.  When you do find yourself conscious,  drinking will help you through this (understand that these tips are “tongue-in-cheek”, so if your mother or your liver start complaining you can’t hold me responsible).  Find an open bar or at least a bar that will serve you free drinks.  Free food and free drink should now be the criteria you use to decide which social events you attend.  If friends and family owe you money or dinner now is the time to collect those debts.

For numerous examples of what not to do, keep reading.

Finance July

Week commencing 6th July (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £17 food
• £67 council tax
• £19 Vodafone
• £15 insurance

Total: £118

End of Week Total: -£3,568

Week commencing 13th July (two posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £77 food (seems somewhat excessive, not sure if that’s actually true)
• £20 student loan over calculation repayment (only another £1,346 to go on this one, plus whatever interest they’ve decided to heap on top)
• £29 rounding error (numbers seem to be seriously sketchy this month, although they were back when I did this on a weekly basis.  Some things never change)

Total: £126

End of Week Total: -£3,694

Week commencing 20th July (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

• £45 food
• £2 drink (I know this category tends to be reserved for drinks of the alcoholic variety but I have a Tesco receipt for the time I bought Fanta Fruit Crush and nothing else)
• £45 rent to Nick (I stayed with him temporarily while I found a new house)
• £56 utilities to Gingell (outstanding debts from the Green House)
• £20 for my BUPA Great Capital Run 2009 registration (I was sober when I paid for this as well, I blame Gingell.  I promise to blog about it sometime soon)

Total: £168

End of Week Total: -£3,862

Week commencing 27th July (0 posts)

Incoming:

• £800 as a freelance writer (feels really weird to be typing that one)
• £20 from Envirophone (these guys paid me £20 for the broken phone I blogged about here, well worth checking them out)

Total: £820

Outgoing:

• £36 food
• £20 drink
• £8 transport
• £45 rent to Nick
• £5 utilities to Gingell
• £50 Vodafone (apparently the Samsung J700i is a pay-as-you-go phone so if you have it on contract you can’t insure it, therefore when I got mugged I had to pay to replace it.  The girl in the shop was very helpful though and had good eye makeup)
• £6 entertainment (after reading about the likely demise of The Observer I grew nostalgic for newspapers and went out and bought The Sunday Times, as I would have done four years ago.  My subsequent live tweeting of each supplement clogged up Gingell’s tweetfeed.  I also picked up the September issue of Front Magazine)
• £4 wallet (“Is it a gift? I can wrap it for you.” “No, I got mugged earlier.”  Awkward silence ensues)
• £95 rounding error (like I said, the numbers are sketchy)

Total: £269

End of Month Total: -£3,311

The Poverty Line, for the month of July*

* Figures are rounded up and my student loan debt of £19,993.48 is not included but then regular readers already knew that.