My posts have spluttered and died, last week my blog spluttered and died but I am not dead. Without meeting you in person it’s going to be hard to talk you out of this Scribs-will-be-sadly-missed mentality but take a look at my chart.  This is not normal behaviour for a dead person, and, while there’s a lot to catch up on, let’s get the formalities of the way first.

Deskscape is something I mentioned last month but not something I got around to doing.  Please accept the picture below with my apologies.  I’ll take a shot of my desk before I move out and we’ll dub that Deskscape July.

1. FHM Calendar – Holly Valance in the worst pose since the blunt force trauma stylings of Abbey Clancy back in February.  I have decided to call this look the constipated sea lion.
2. Postcard – A rather cynical postcard mocking desk jobs.  At the time it was ironic because I’d stuck it to a desk, now it’s ironic because I’m clinically unemployed.
3. Speakers – These cost me £4 two years ago, they were worth every penny.
4. Student Loan – What was £19,754.92 is now apparently £19,993.48.  Sometimes I just love getting mail.
5. Receipts -  A handful of memories and receipts held up alongside my online bank statement will help me figure out Finance Friday for June.
6. Phone – When I first got the Samsung J700i I was thoroughly disappointed but thought that maybe, like the music of Kate Bush, it would grow on me.

No, no, no.

This phone is still lousy, as is the software that came with it.  The Samsung New PC Studio is as bad as the previous one but now comes with added bloat, sluggishness and, wait for it, abstract animations.  An added feature is that it has no support for Macs or Open Source, have decided to invest in a Bluetooth dongle and do away with this software atrocity.

Well, that’s Deskscape out of the way.  In the near future I aim to introduce new challenges, update you on old ones and create icons for all of them.  I’ll also be blogging some more about my life, my finances and whatever other crazy things you suggest.

Somewhere between me making a cup of tea and sleeping, I fell behind on the blog.  let’s try and rectify that, here’s May’s Deskscape and it’s only 11 days late (which by my standards is almost early).

1. FHM Calendar - While other photos from Megan Fox’s FHM shoot get the Madonna-whore duality about right (everything from biting teddies to tearing bears apart) there’s something all too innocent about this photo.  Her boyfriend’s tattooed name peaking out of her pants doesn’t really do anything for me either.  Nonetheless this is one of the best pictures FHM have mustered for this calendar and the more I look at Miss May the more the image grows on me, there’s something strangely hypnotic about the s shape that the light creates when it hits Megan’s side.

2. FHM 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2009 – I may complain about FHM‘s desktop calendar but that is nothing compared to the catalogue of errors that is this list.

For Megan Fox, last year’s winner to lose the crown to Cheryl Cole (of Girls Aloud and The X Factor infamy) is nothing short of insulting.

The list is based on the votes of FHM readers and this becomes apparent the more you study it.  Keeley Hazell (The Sun) is fifth, while Gisele (Vanity Fair‘s May cover girl) is unplaced.  It’s not about whether these women are attractive, it’s about whether the readers know them.  Cheryl Cole only does so well because she is instantly recognisable, has the common touch and a cheating husband.  Readers wouldn’t be surprised to see her drinking in their local and if they did they figure they’d be in with a chance.

With Cheryl at number one other Girls Aloud members have crept into the listings, including the ginger one at 58.  This is something I will never understand, especially as she is apparently one position more attractive than Beyoncé.

While Girls Aloud are covered comprehensively this attention to detail is not consistent.  Dannii Minogue (97) is listed but Kylie isn’t.  Emily Blunt (73) of The Devil Wears Prada fame is present but Anne Hathaway is glaringly absent.

Britney, Christina, Rachel from Friends and Buffy the Vampire Slayer all loom large and give the list a trapped in the nineties nightmare vibe.

I still don’t understand why Fiona Bruce (98) is included, she’s not even the most attractive newsreader, let alone woman.  The inclusion of Emma Watson seems a bit paedophilic and I feel she should have been substituted for Rochelle from The Saturdays, an example of cradle snatching with which I would be far more comfortable.  Anyone who thinks that Frankie (17) is the most attractive member of the group is unfortunately mistaken.

Gingell found it weird that I was discussing women (and yet not talking about their clothes) and confronted me about my heterosexuality.  The best response is probably a quote from the Hugh Jackman interview in 3. the magazine itself, “You’re not anyone until someone says you’re gay”.  There is little else of note in the magazine, an interesting interview with Piers Morgan and some of the most depressingly effete fashion tips I have ever read.

4. The Conviction Paradox in Jury Decisions – This is Gingell’s dissertation and it is a testament to the clarity of her writing and the thoroughness of her explanation that I understood it.  Yes, it’s a Forensic Psychology dissertation and yet I understood it (apart from a couple of pages but they had numbers on them).  If you want to know what she’s been up to since she finished writing this then head on over to her blog.  I get a special mention on her sporting legends page, which is amusing, accurate and definitely worth a read.

5. Japanese Peace Lily – My lily is in full flower and is now accompanied by the spider plant that Gingell gave me.  It was looking a bit sickly on the shady side of my room so I have moved it to a spot where it can soak up some rays.

6. The Simpsons Novelty Coaster – It reads “Donuts.  Is there anything they can’t do?”  I presume the answer is “Cure diabetes” but as the reverse is blank we shall never know.

7. Daler-Rowney Spiral Bound Black Sketchbook - My sister bought me this ages ago and I’ve always felt that I should fill it with perfect pencil sketches of figures in cafés and sunsets.  That never happened.  Have been doodling the blog icons in it over the past week or so.  

Blog icons are another thing I need to share with you all, along with my weekly finances, my progression through the challenges, being out of my overdraft for half a morning, a rather special blend of tea and many other things I’ve probably forgotten.

Wednesday was April 1st which means two things, it was April Fools’ Day and it should have been deskscape.  What I’ll do is I’ll lie to you for a bit and then I’ll post the picture, no one needs to know we messed up.

It was a glorious day in the buzzing metropolis that is Stoke-on-Trent.  Scribble bounced out of bed, Wednesday’s girlfriend was still begging for more but Scribs had already spent three hours longer in bed than he had intended.  As he stepped into the shower the hour hand on the clock grazed 6am.  He was running late.

Drying himself off with a handful of £50 notes Scribble shared some of his deeper thoughts with the small boy that stood in silence in the corner of the bathroom.  Scribs had purchased him a few years back and he was excellent value, his sole purpose nowdays to distill these mental gems to 140 characters and post them to his master’s Twitter.

It was perfect weather to take the hover-car to work and Scribble was in a relatively good mood until he tasted the sugar in his morning coffee.  It was unfortunate but he would have to let the beverage department go.

Think that’s enough lies to tide us over until 2010.

1. FHM Calendar – Sometimes this deskscape feature seems little more than an excuse to insult this item on a monthly basis.  Tricia Helfer steps into the role of Miss April with disappointing results.  FHM seem to have compiled this calendar using photos that didn’t make the magazine.  Unfortunately there was a reason these pictures didn’t get published the first time around.  Tricia glances apprehensively at whatever lurks in the corner and clings desperately to her pants, pre-empting the predator’s first move.
2. Tissues – People I’m sick.  Since Wednesday I’ve had a cold that has slowly grown worse, even less is getting done than usual and I’m sleeping more (hard to believe but true).  Today I blew my nose a lot, ate some chicken and vegetable soup (thanks Baines) and had a warm bath (a hot bath would have required at least three more kettles of water).  On the plus side lots of House MD is getting watched.
3. Empty Space would suggest that I’ve been productive and completed all my paperwork.  It is strewn across the floor. If you’ve submitted a form for me to complete please be patient (although it’s doubtful that the taxman and the Student Loan Company read this blog).
   
4. Mr Piggles is still hoping for some last minute swears before Lent is out (Saturday 11th April is the last day of Lent).
   
5. Pink Notebook – This blank page is a perfect metaphor for my future, either that or I just haven’t been doing any work recently.
   
6. Japanese Peace Lily is about to flower.  Leon’s got nothing on me.

Well, that’s all the formalities out of the way, time to get back to being ill.  I’ll try and blog my finances this weekend (I know I was meant to do that today), stop with the careless indifference towards challenges and write about apples.

Last week I was doing so well; I blogged for six days in a row, which is the closest my life has come to a routine for a long time. My little bubble, however, was burst when Gingell asked me if I was blogging today.  I’d already promised the blog on not one but two separate occassions that I would.

Luckily yesterday should have been Deskscape March and so here, only one day late, is one of my favourite “it’s easier than writing” features.

1. New Curtains? – These are not new curtains, they are the same curtains as ever, just this time they’re not underlit.  Also note how you can see stuff outside as opposed to an overlit tundra like mess.  One day if I ever have money I shall invest in one of these camera type contraptions.
2. FHM Calendar - FHM took pictures of an attractive woman that made her look… attractive.  I’m as shocked as you are.
3. Newspapers – These have been here for a few months now.  Should probably cut out my articles and create a portfolio.
4. Laptop – A photograph of my desk that contains a  photograph of my desk that contains… okay, I’m going to shut up now.
5. Winnie the Pooh Notelet Set – If you want to proclaim your masculinity to the world you can’t go wrong with these bad boys (12 notelets in two designs with matching envelopes, also features Piglet and Tigger).  I need to send a thank you notelet to my Gran before…
6. Package from Gran – …I open this.  Not that I’m scared of her or anything.
7. Mr Piggles – Even though I dropped a plate today and my Dusty Springfield CD was skipping all over the place I have yet to swear.  Gingell said something intelligent about Mr Piggles earlier, when she gets back I’ll get her to repeat it slowly and maybe share it with you next time I post.
8. Dressing Gown – Gingell and Baines bought me this.  It’s so good even my parents can’t find anything wrong with it.

Last month I photographed my desk. Then I labelled it. There were a number of ideas behind this project which I christened Deskscape.  It was an allusion to a feature that Vanity Fair used to run (and for all I know still does), it would create a series of photos that would document the passing of time, it was something I could regularly blog with minimal effort and, finally, it would give you an insight into my life as the objects and projects on my desk changed.

1. Desklamp -Nothing keeps you awake quite like potentially lethal doses of caffeine, extreme cold and shining a bright light into your eyes.
2. Screen – Last month’s Deskscape but then you probably knew that.
3. I ♥ tea mug - Gingell bought me this one.
4. Blue Notebook - Contains notes on the fall of man and similar light hearted themes.
5. Pink Notebook - A grab bag of notes that glance at various topics including; speaking in tongues, the drug problem in North Philly and my Christmas card list.
6. Wallet - Nowadays I carry this more out of tradition, it’s not like it has any money in it.  Here’s what it does have in it; overdrawn HSBC card, overdrawn Lloyds TSB card, overdrawn Nationwide card, Nectar card, Harry’s Bar silver loyalty card (actually signed), student card that expired last year, press pass that expired last year, a student railcard (expires in June) and half a dozen business cards for people I already know.
7. FHM Calendar -It may be a new month but this calendar remains a disappointment, the models are posed in some of the most awkward and unflattering poses I have ever seen and it is obvious that the photo editor has struggled to pull together 12 photos that fit the calendar’s landscape format.  This is the picture that FHM have selected to represent February.

According to Google Images Abbey Clancy can be attractive, obviously just not in this photo.  The only way to make this pose look even the slightest bit naturalistic is to draw a chalk line around her corpse.  I half expect Gil Grissom to duck meaningfully under the crime scene tape and make some literary allusion to dead hookers.

If I had to guess I’d say COD was blunt force trauma to the head with the Polaroid camera (amateurishly left at the scene) and that, when they match the prints on it to the perp, they will find her suspenders in the boot of his car (the freak).

If I was going to blog this mental sidebar then I was going to need the accompanying picture.  While trawling the internet in search of it (I was successful) I came across some pictures of Bond girl Olga Kurylenko. This photo shoot for Maxim (Germany) then linked to the shoot she did for Maxim (USA).

So far, so similar.  It’s the same photo set with four images scrapped in favour of a previously unseen pic of Olga sucking her thumb. Then I clicked the NSFW Maxim (Ukraine) shoot she did.  For those of you struggling to spot the difference I’ve created a helpful little graphic;

If the US/ German shoot was a piece of dialogue it’d be something like; “Yeah, I have got some sexy clothes but why are we shooting this in a meat locker?  I’m sticking around because I need the money but don’t think I won’t be telling my agent.”

The Ukraine photos read something more like; “These photos are going to be so sweet, I can’t wait till when we have kids and I can show them what a pretty body mommy had.  Anyway, how about we head back to the hotel – I could really use some more coffee and sex.”

I’ve never really thought about the liberal attitudes of Ukraine. I’ve never really thought about Ukraine for that matter.  Maybe we’re more conservative than I think.  If Ukraine keeps exporting stuff like this though it won’t be long before everyone’s taking their clothes off to get into magazines.  Wait a minute…

Deadline started on Thursday 1st January and since then one still image from Antonio’s film and one sentence from my short story have been going live every day (you should check it out, stuff is starting to happen). This made me think about how best to show the passing of time using a set of still images and it made me think of Vanity Fair.

Vanity Fair is a brilliant magazine.  Their photoshoots objectify women in some of the most obvious ways I have ever seen, the editorial is always riddled with anti-Bush rhetoric and weird lifestyle features rub up against in depth political articles.

One of my favourite features is when they photograph a celebrity’s desk and then annotate it.  Obviously the celebrities are wise to Vanity’s plan because normally the text reads something like;

This ivory and diamond desk was presented to him by the continent of Africa in recognition of his humanitarian work.  On it sits a one of a kind Apple Mac that Steve Jobs made with his bare hands.  The desk is almost paperless apart from letters from Oprah and Obama.  This fan mail is kept in check by the Oscar statuette that he uses as a paperweight (“There was simply no room left in my trophy room.”)

I’ve decided to do something similar each month (without redressing my desk first, obviously).

1. FHM Calendar - Can’t write your appointments next to the dates.  Disappointing.
2. Outside - I have heard bad things about this place.
3. Desk Tidy - 16 Pens, 5 Marker Pens, 5 Pencils, 1 Absinthe Spoon.
4. Reference Books – Kingdom of Fear, Happy Birthday Jack Nicholson, Holy Bible.
5. Vice Magazine - The Clowny Clown Issue, October 2008, cover features: Oopsy da Clown, nipple count: 29.
6. FHM - Travel Edition, January 2009, cover features: Katy Perry, nipple count: 4.
7. Wool – Found in the street, not quite sure what to do with this.
8. Japanese Peace Lily – Simon Pegg stole the idea from me.
9. Paperweight – Thistle head eternally encapsulated in glass.  From Kew Gardens.
10. Blanket – Good for picnics.