I have no idea how to use cameras or lighting.  I never formally studied photography.  I studied graphic design, so I’m very makeshift with lights and I’m constantly looking at my cameras trying to figure out what’s going on.  I’m also the master of breaking cameras.  I’m always getting them wet or dropping them.  What I really like is when they’re easy and the camera is just an extension of my hand.

Ryan McGinley, Photographer
The Vice Photo Book

Everyone seems to be a specialist these days, I’m not a specialist.  I can write but I wouldn’t call it special (I would call it “cheaper than therapy”).  Anyone can write if they figure out what they want to say and apply the spelling and grammar rules they learnt in secondary school.  The problem is they are, and their stories are far more interesting.

Baines is still sharing her Christian perspective with the world and her blog regularly pours fuel on the fire of my already unhealthy fascination with religion.  Gingell is planning to run barefoot through Stoke (nothing quite like broken glass and used needles to toughen up your soles).

And there’s more.  Guy’s started his own blog too and posts with a regularity that surely can have no other purpose than to make me look bad.  He is serialising the diary of his 2007 round the world trip every Monday and it’s definitely worth a read, he starts in Mumbai.

Gaby’s also got a new blog.  Meeting Jeremy Clarkson, behind the scenes at QVC, you know you want to take a peek.  Weird we’re both still in Stoke and yet we’ve fallen out of touch.  Occassionally I’ll see her all dressed up and looking stressed but it’s not like back in the day.  I remember us getting free meals in Roebuck, going to comedy club, watching the MOBOs, hanging out in the VIP changing room in Topshop.  If it wasn’t for Gaby my talent for doing French tips on nails would never have been recognised.  I should probably be boring Gaby with this and not you, sorry.

As nothing interesting’s been happening round here I guess it’s best we revert back to the challenges.  Taking a leaf out of McGinley’s book, here’s something I did in photoshop (my knowledge of photoshop is all but nonexistant).

17. An Apple a Day

It may not look like it but that is a photo-collage of all the apples I ate during the month of March.  All nine of them.  More astute members of the audience will realise that March is one of the months that has more than nine days.  What makes this failure even more pathetic is that when Holly set the challenge I agreed with her that we could count apple pies, pints of cider and apple juice just to make the challenge more interesting (who wants to look at 30 odd pictures of an apple?)  I don’t know how many apples or apple based products Holly consumed during March but I know it’s more than 11.

I decided to rebrand March not as a failure but as a practice for April.  Gingell wasn’t particularly impressed, especially as she’d bought three of March’s apples.  this time around she baked some mini apple pies (thank you Gingell).

Although my methodology was frowned upon (apparently civilised people use bowls, microwaves, ice cream and spoons) it was very tasty, now I just need to keep eating apples (at least more than 11, otherwise it’ll just be embarrassing).

There seem to be a number of challenges that involve me putting things in my mouth (not sure what that says about you people) so lets run through the evidence as documented by my phone.

Guy came to visit and as he had challenged me to do before (challenge number eight) I ate more steak.

Antonio will be pleased to know the last time I was in Stafford I consumed an entire pack of crumpets covered in cheddar cheese (also challenge number eight and thanks to Damian for providing that meal).

Tom and John will no doubt be ecstatic in the knowledge that I ate breakfast not once but twice last week (challenge number 11, Costa’s caramel shortbread and two day old Chinese takeaway).

Well that’s enough eating for now, will be posting later in the week, maybe later today but more likely Friday.  We’ll do my finances and then we’ll maybe take a look at some of these other challenges.

Already you’re confused.  Maybe you knew one of my challenges was to give blood.  Maybe you figured out I gave blood today based on the red and white sticker.  Maybe you even recognised me in the top left picture but you’re all still sat there thinking “What on earth is that middle picture meant to be?  Some kinda anemic pipe cleaner?  An albino Twilget?  Seriously what is that thing?”  That people, is my arm.

***
Iarrived at Penkhull Church and filled out a form to say that I don’t have the aids/ put out for money.  Then Gingell, Baines and I sat and waited for our turn.  Gingell went first and once again it turned out she didn’t have couldn’t give blood.  Baines went next, then it was my turn.

After the nurse had pricked my finger my blood droplet raced to the bottom of the test tube in a bid to prove that my iron count was high enough to donate (I should hope so, I had a Frankie and Benny’s steak for breakfast).  She checked to make sure that I wouldn’t be flying any planes or mining any mines anytime soon and then it was time to donate.

I lay down on the bed, had my blood pressure taken and then they jabbed a needle in my arm.  Gingell came and kept me company and provided moral support (thanks).  Moral support along the lines of “Ooh look, it’s spurting everywhere” and “It’d be funny if you passed out.”  After I had been drained of a pint of unnecessary blood I got to sit up and everyone asked me if I was okay (I’m fine, I normally look this pale).  This was followed by a drink (lemon squash, very good), a biscuit (varied selection, TUC biscuits were particularly tasty), a sticker (see above) and one of those novelty bug things people used to have in their offices back in the nineties (there’s something odd about a furry blood drop).

While this has turned out well for me (I even get a free malaria test), completing a challenge has thrown the very structure of this blog into chaos, I’ve been forced to create a subpage called Completed Challenges.  I’ve put a link to it on the main Challenges page, hopefully I can start to fill it up sometime soon.

Be sure to have a read of Baines’ blog, she has written about the same experience (I never said I was original).

My copy of Les Misérables by Victor Hugo is 1,232 pages long and has been gathering dust on my classics shelf for a while now.  One day it will get read but not today (to be fair I’m probably going to read The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic first).

Sometimes I set myself reasonable targets with unrealistic deadlines (like reading Les Mis anytime soon).  My Little Monster Reward Chart, however, only sets four daily targets; get out of bed before 9:30am, eat breakfast before 12pm, apply for a job and write 500 words.

These targets and their deadline are very realistic (you probably do at least two of them everyday without even thinking about it) and yet in the previous week I awarded myself one measly tick.  If last week hadn’t been so much fun I would have had to write it off as an ultimate failure.

All I managed to achieve blogwise was to update this post with a full list of site modifications I’d like to make, a list of posts I’m currently working on (and their appropriate word counts) and a to-do list for my life (note that I achieved four of these).

Updating old work isn’t the same as creating new content, however, and the standard issue WordPress calendar is beginning to resemble an empty wasteland devoid of posts.  On Sunday the number of site visitors dipped to zero for the first time ever (almost as if there’s some correlation between more content and more clicks, weird).

Maybe I haven’t been typing but I’ve certainly been having fun.  Antonio showed up on Wednesday and we went for drinks with Lottie, another plus is that my housemates seem not to hate him (which is always good).

On Friday I went to Guy’s leaving do in Ember Lounge where I met (read “networked with”) someone who works for the Staffordshire Newsletter (a paid weekly) and learnt the phrase “nice to see you” in sign language.  I also learnt signs for the following words; pint, whiskey, vodka, walking, jumping, kicking, hopping, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, tea, coffee and cream cake.  Feel free to create a sentence that includes as many of these as possible.

The next day I got on a train and travelled to Oxford for Clara’s birthday celebrations.  Oxford is filled with bicycles, bookshops, scarf clad students, quaint little shops that seem to belong in Beatrix Potter (Ginger and Pickles anyone?) and places you can drink in without sticking to the floor.

It was great to meet Clara’s family and a selection of her friends and we headed out for a night that started out in the Hobgoblin and ended up in the Carling Academy.  Learnt the sign language for “easy tiger.”

Sunday was spent drinking tea, eating toast, slowly coming to and watching The Devil Wears Prada (enjoyed critquing the outfits with Clara, Dacia and Vicky but probably need to watch it again and pay more attention to the dialogue).  Then we went to Frankie & Benny’s and ate cheeseburgers.

Today, my birthday, Clara and I went to a quaint little pub and had steak and chips for breakfast.  We then went to the cinema to see Frost/ Nixon.  This is a film that I wanted to see but there weren’t many people I could go with because the love interests and zombie hordes take a backseat to political interviews.  Here are my thoughts on the movie;

Anyone that’s caught me watching The West Wing on their TV or reading presidential debate transcripts on their PC will know that I’m fascinated by American politics.  The Nixon administration is the one that fascinates me the most because it ties in with another of my perversions, journalism (I have 0.25 of a degree in this subject).*

Hunter S. Thompson was the first journalist to spend an entire year on the campaign trail and Nixon’s re-election campaign in 1972 was the year Thompson chose to do it.  Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of The Washington Post were the journalistic tag team that wrestled the Nixon administration to its knees over Watergate.  And when Nixon finally resigned before he could be impeached it was journalist David Frost whose televised interviews gave Tricky Dickie the trial he never had.

The book Frost/ Nixon is fascinating and worth the money (I paid £2), if only for the rather anal interview transcripts in which every hesitation is recorded (Nixon: “Ah, ah, so that in effect, ah, they, as they listen, ah, will be able to hear the facts, ah, make up their own minds.”)

Fascinating though it may be, the book is a record of political journalism and as such can be dry in places.  This film takes all the information and then injects the life back into it; Nixon becomes a fatally flawed yet bizarrely lovable former president (Frank Langella’s affectation of Nixon’s accent and mannerisms is truly impressive) and Frost (Michael Sheen) becomes a playboy that got lucky rather than the political hotshot he tries to make himself out to be in the book.

Choice lines have been culled from the original interviews and the dialogue that has been witten for the film is funny and insightful.  Alongside various visual touches it gives us a greater insight into the two main characters.

The timing of this film is also striking, when Nixon’s views on Vietnam are cross examined it is hard not to think of another unpopular president who waged an unsuccessful war, one who has recently left office.  Who in the media will try George W. Bush for his crimes against the world?  Somehow I imagine his defence will be less eloquent than that of Nixon.

* This sits alongside my 0.25 of a degree in Creative Writing and 0.5 of  “Your degree has been terminated.  Next time try turning up and actually doing something.”   I probably have point something or other of a degree in Graphic Design but that is beyond my mathematical capabilities.

Clara and I left the cinema and returned to cold grey Oxford, picked up my stuff, sat in a bar and discussed travelling and then I caught a train home.  On the way back to Stoke I finished reading Breaking Dawn, so expect a review whenever I recover.

My housemates bought me a big fluffy dressing gown that’s dark enough to disguise a multitude of tea stains (just like I asked for) and a High School Musical birthday card (includes a bedroom door hanger, one side reads “Do Not Disturb LOST IN MUSIC”, the other “Come in! Let’s have fun… ALL FOR ONE” , which is probably the weirdest way to phrase an orgy invitation ever).

It’s your Birthday!   …so REACH for the STARS

Scribs

Last week I took a photo of my desk, I took a picture of my breakfast, I reviewed some stuff I should have reviewed a long time ago and I even blogged about stuff I should do.

The only problem was that I didn’t get that much done.

It’s time to take a look over the list and to see how I’m progressing with my various challenges.

1. Write more

In December 2003 I began an online journal called The Diary of a Nobody.  It was hosted on a computer gaming forum and key themes included charity work and vomiting.   It continued into early 2006 and its end coincided, coincidentally, with me moving into Charity’s house and discovering The Sopranos.

In February 2007 I decided to copy paste the Ember Lounge Comedy Club reviews I was writing onto Scribbled Words, the Blogger blog that Antonio had convinced me to setup.  This blog fizzled and died in June 2007.

Over those five years I made 16 blog posts totalling 18,213 words (never let it be said that I don’t keep proper records).  In under two months I have, not including this post, written 20 posts which equate to 10,179 words.

To summarise, yes, I’m writing more.

In my first post on this blog I added a number of subclauses to this challenge.

1a. Blog at least once a week.  This has been so successful that I’m now going to aim to write 500 words a day and blog at least three times a week (one of these will always be on Monday).

1b. Import blog to Facebook.  Really wasn’t that hard.

1c. Install Facebook’s Visual Bookshelf, read more books and then review them.  If you need proof that this has been achieved read my Twilight reviews.  Expect something slightly more intellectual when I complete the series.

1d. Do one day a week of work experience at The Sentinel.  My work experience probably does equate to one day a week but it hasn’t been that consistent, mainly due to me looking for work or not being able to afford to get to their offices.

1e. Freelance.  Yeah, you got me.  Maybe this should be a challenge for 2009.

1f. Nanowrimo.  I’ve read the book and I’m ready to go.

In other writing news, I’ve been providing the words to accompany Antonio’s pictures on Deadline.  The only problem now is that people are reading them (Created in Birmingham and Pete Ashton) which means I’m probably going to have to finish the story.

2. Get out of debt

My financial situation is depressing at the best of times but no one should have to read about it on a Monday.  Maybe tomorrow, if I have the strength, I will redraw the graph and summarise the past five debt incurring weeks.

3. Give blood

Well, we all know what happened last time.  I’m now booked in to bleed on Friday 27th March, they’re even going to throw in a free malaria test.

4. Wake up at a reasonable hour

Up showered and dressed by 9:30am every weekday?  I was being unrealistic.  This week I’m going to try and be out of bed and half awake by 9:30am.  No, it didn’t happen today.  No, that’s not the point.  If instead of drinking tea and reading Eclipse into the early hours I went to bed instead this could work.

5. Give up swearing for Lent

I have a 1,000 word post scheduled to go live when Lent begins on February 25th.  It takes a look back at things I’ve previously quit for Lent, looks at what punishments are in place if I slip up and also contains a comprehensive list of words I’m not allowed to use.  Swearing experts were consulted and apparently the only word I missed was pisstard.

6. Learn to drive

Ich habe kein geld.

7. Complete my degree

I‘ll be looking into this one soon.

8. Keep eating steak and crumpets

Last week I ate two packs of crumpets and I’ve already started writing about steak (200 words) and researching steak related products.  When I eat steak again depends on my finances and getting 20 ticks on my Little Monster chart (a rather paltry 7 ticks last week).

As for the other challenges, not much has happened; breakfast hasn’t been a daily occurrence but it will be when I sort out my sleep pattern, I attempted speed blogging but decided against publishing the result and I can probably sign my name in BSL if I really think about it (and Gingell shows me what the sign for n is again).

There are only three reasons I can refuse a challenge;

1. I don’t think it would make my life better.
2. It contradicts one of the challenges I already have (remember that point two is “Get out of debt” so any expensive challenges are out).
3. The challenge will result in death, injury or mutilation.

So when Guy said, “Keep eating steak” I had to do it and then when Antonio said, “Eat more crumpets” I had to do that too.

Today I wanted to write something like;

Was up, showered and dressed by 9:15am.  Had crumpets for breakfast and made tea.  While the kettle was boiling I discovered the cure to cancer (don’t know why it was in the kitchen though).  Then I spent the rest of the morning applying for jobs online and fielding calls from all the people that wanted to hire me.  While enjoying elevensies the solution to world hunger suddenly came to me and I hastily scribbled it down on a paper napkin.  By the time my housemates had rolled out of bed I had successfully solved two world problems and completed half a dozen challenges.

Unfortunately all of that is lies.  Apart from the crumpet bit, that much is true.

Cheese crumpets, Marmite crumpets, Marmite cheese crumpets, tea

If you love Marmite and enjoy cheddar with so much flavour it frightens small children then Marmite cheddar is a good investment.  Otherwise steer well clear.

While I was sleeping yesterday stuff was happening. As far as I can tell the most important thing was Advent starting and me falling one chocolate behind on my Barbie Magical Milk Chocolate Advent Calendar, oops.

Things have also been happening around here too, here’s a little update on all the targets people have been setting me to improve my life.

1. Write more

I’ve already written five posts and it’s barely been a week, contrast that with six posts in two years on my old blog.  Also, as promised, I’ve linked the blog up to Facebook and installed Virtual Bookshelf.  The first book I’ve picked to read is Beloved by Toni Morrison, I’ll let you know how it goes.

2. Get out of debt

Okay, roll graph.

The Poverty Line, for the week commencing 24th November*

The more astute members in the audience will have noticed that this is last week’s graph copy and pasted, yes, that’s right, I unintentionally balanced my incomings and outgoings.

Incoming: I was paid £30 by Totem Films to hold a boom mic pole for a couple of hours, plus my Gran sent me another £10.  Total £40.

Outgoing: £10 on food, £15 on drink, £15 on utilities.  Total £40.

Money saving tip: After the final audience question has been answered lay down your boom mic and see if there are any free meals going at this conference (make sure you send Graham, to avoid confusion/ subtlety).  If free food is available make sure you get seconds.

* Last week I said that one of the reasons my student loan debt wasn’t included in this calculation was because I didn’t know what it was.  Now I do, £19,754.92.  Just to make that real clear; Nineteen Thousand Seven Hundred and Fifty-Four Pounds and Ninety-Two Pence.  No, I am not redrawing the graph.

3. Give blood

If Charity’s reading this she’ll be laughing hysterically by now.  Gingell and Baines, however, won’t be laughing until our house blood letting session on Friday 12th December.  Expect a blog post when I regain consciousness.

4. Wake up at a reasonable hour

Frosty suggested this one.  He claimed that if I got up earlier I’d get more done.  I argued that I don’t really do much anyway and that drinking tea and a Facebooking aren’t really time specific activities.  In the end Frosty won, so from Friday 2nd January I’ll be trying to get up before 9:30am each weekday.  Any ideas on how I can prove to readers I’m doing this would be greatly appreciated.

5. Give up swearing for Lent

In 2006 I gave up alcohol for Lent (easy), in 2007 I gave up caffeine (harder), in 2008 I couldn’t think of anymore vices to give up.  Charity has suggested that I quit swearing for Lent 2009, although most people I discussed this with said; “Why? You don’t really swear much anyway.”

I’ll be more specific nearer the time and lay down some terms, maybe even donate a pound for each naughty word to a charity that helps children whose lives have been blighted by curse words.  Or maybe not, maybe you can suggest something better for me to quit.

If this one does happen I can see standing on three point plugs and singing along to hip-hop songs being my downfall.

6. Learn to drive

Rob says that I need to learn to drive if I’m going to become a reporter, plus a driving licence will be the perfect response to anyone IDing me for books, scissors or coffee.  I will begin this task when I have money, so probably sometime next year.

7. Complete my degree

Pretty self explanatory.

8. Keep eating steak

Thanks to Guy for the easiest, oddest and yet most enjoyable challenge so far.  I’m not even sure how I’ll document this one so any suggestions are more than welcome (ideally your suggestion should begin something like; “Jon come and dine with me, I’ll buy you the biggest steak on the menu…”)

You stay classy, San Diego.

Jon