Some people say I haven’t been doing anything, I say my work is everywhere.*

Since I started this website in November two things have surprised me about blogging.  First, how many people read my posts.  In my head scribbleboy.co.uk is a dust covered tome tucked away in some corner of the internet bookcase read by half a dozen close friends.  In reality hundreds of people paw over these pages in a forlorn search for Megan Fox’s breasts.  I don’t have them.  Nor do I have Alesha Dixon’s legs or Abbey Clancy’s ass.  I am not some kind of pervert butcher.  Those who aren’t on a quest to discover the choicest celebrity cuts, or at least pause in their search, seem to enjoy what I write.  Sometimes they even leave comments.

The second thing that surprises me is that people don’t just read my words but are influenced and inspired by them.  Maybe Gingell said it best when she said;

Scribs was the first (and only) person I knew to maintain a blog about nothing…which went some way in to convincing me I could start this one.

Yesterday marked her 50th post on Running from Zombies, congratulations.

Another blog that I helped out with, and maybe in some ways helped to inspire, is Sound Guy Guy.  It’s been a while since Guy updated properly but it sounds like his computer is now fixed, so if you’ve finally caught up with his travel diary, too bad.  If however, you’ve been suffering from a dearth of Megan Fox based content, rejoice (wasn’t July’s GQ enough for you?)

Frosty, who documented our adventures through Asia last year, is back in the blogging game with Work Hard Play Hard, a blog that takes a few pointers (and plugins) from this very site.  Unlike last year’s thoroughly comprehensive travel blog this one will be a selection of edited highlights and will continue to document the adventures of Frosty long after he has returned to the UK.

Here’s an awesome time-lapse video of a Malaysian sunset that Frosty filmed.  There’s plenty more footage, photos and observations like this on his blog.

A blog where my touch is at its most obvious is TWKM.  It’s a blog about a guy trying to improve his life by completing challenges suggested by readers, or as Stanford puts it;

It’s a blatant rip off of scribbleboy, but I don’t care because it’s a good one.

Have a read of Stanford’s challenges here and suggest one of your own.  He’s already suggested one for me to complete;

I challenge you to regularly answer an ad on gumtree, craiglist or similar websites, be it serious (which can lead to expanding your skills, social circle, or jobs) or funny (asking to swap a hexopus (an octopus with six legs) for a wii remote for instance).

Post results (with anonymity kept) for all to see.

Restriction is that it shouldn’t be rude or destructive to the ad poster.

I’ll be trying to do this weekly myself, depending on how realistic it is.

I will get onto this challenge (challenge 21) soon and blog my results.

To give you a little bit of context, Stanford is one of Antonio’s friend whom I met at Annabel and John’s New Year’s Eve party (I make the briefest of references to the party here).  It was one of the most civilised parties I’ve been to in a long time with dips, fireworks and champagne at midnight.  An indication of how classy it was is that Stanford’s pictures are in black and white.  To gain a greater understanding of who Stanford is and the mind behind TWKM I recommend reading his about page.  I also recommend reading the nine blog posts he’s made in just over a week.  I don’t recommend comparing his output with mine, that will just make me look bad.

The penultimate blog I’m going to take a look at is FeatherQuest.  This site is written and maintained by Holly, who you might remember made me eat apples all through April.  Holly’s blog is about… well, I’ll let her say it;

This blog is based on the idea that I need to shape my life a little better. I need more control other than just random drifting and I had an idea that maybe my friends could set me challenges. Things I could do to improve my life or become a better person. I also aim to do reviews and general stuff to further my writing.

I have challenged her to get some of her written work published and to share the stages of her creative process with readers.  This ties in nicely with the freelancing challenge I have set myself (challenge 1e).

I’m going to wrap this up with the most literal example of me inspiring a blog post;

This is a portrait of me by Antonio of hellocatfood.com that I’ve been meaning to post for a long time.  You could read his blog but I wouldn’t recommend doing it too quickly because he updates even less regularly than I do.  Before I sign off a few quick shout outs to blogs that are not tainted by me but are still worth reading;

Life Through God’s Sunglasses – My former housemate Baines’ site.  What with her leaving and Gingell going out so much I have been forced to strike up conversations with inanimate objects.  Will be worth keeping an eye on this page for updates of Baines’ adventures in Nepal.

Wheels on Fire – Ally keeps a record of how he is ritually humiliated and beaten by his girlfriend his training, sometimes this involves Gingell.  I know I plugged it before but it’s come a long way since then and you can get a better idea of his weekly routine, plus it now has pictures.

Night,

Scribs

*If I was God this is the kind of thing I would say.

Last week I started work on a set of icons to represent each of the challenges on this blog.  Since you last saw them I’ve taken note of your suggestions, played around with them a little bit more and even drawn some new ones.  Over the next few days I’m going to be posting each icon, my reasoning behind its design and a progress report for the challenge.

Turns out I have a lot to say about my first challenge so this one gets a post all to itself.

1. Write More

A simple concept but one that is difficult to represent using an icon.  My first thought was to interpret the circle as a full stop but out of context this was meaningless.  Then I considered turning it into a single quotation mark but this suggested conversation and would probably have ended up as a poor imitation of the Vodafone logo.  I thought of ink blots, the end of a pencil, the ball in a ballpoint pen, weirdly shaped nibs on fountain pens and discounted them all as antiquated or meaningless out of context.

A screwed up piece of paper was the best idea I could come up with and as you can see I played around with a number of variations.  I’m not sure any of them work, after staring at them for this long I wonder why I’ve created buckets of oversized popcorn.

The challenge itself, with its various subsections, has become overly complicated too.  Let’s recap.

1a. Began as “updating [this shiny new blog] at least once a week”.  I was so successful at this that I later wrote “I’m now going to aim to write 500 words a day and blog at least three times a week (one of these will always be on Monday).”  This obviously failed and I was later forced to admit that “the standard issue WordPress calendar is beginning to resemble an empty wasteland devoid of posts”.  Later still I attempted to resurrect the challenge and that too eventually failed.

let’s just knock this one on the head, I’ll blog as and when I feel like but no less than three times a week, unless life gets in the way, which undoubtedly it will.

1b. Hook the blog up to Facebook. Done.

Depending on my mood I turn this off and on  but it does bring a lot of traffic to my site.  Illogically, there are certain posts that I’m  happy for strangers to read but not comfortable with my friends on Facebook seeing.  I guess this is a combination of knowing that people who have taken the effort to read the blog genuinely do care and a realisation that my Facebook friend list is stuffed with people who I’ve forgotten I’ve added and the overly-sensitive.

1c. Install the Visual Bookshelf on Facebook. Done.

The reason behind this was to encourage me to read more and overall I think it’s worked.  So far I have read and reviewed Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn by the incomparable Stephenie Meyer.

I also read The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl by Belle De Jour and micro-reviewed it here (“made me realise how much is has been watered down for television.  If you think you’d enjoy frank, funny and full on sex stories then buy this book, otherwise probably best to give it a miss.”)  I also quoted it when writing about jogging.

The Further Adventures of a London Call Girl is another book that I have completed.  In fact I read this one first, obviously discounted prices and pictures of a scantily clad Billie Piper in some way inhibit my ability to read the word sequel properly.  Like the first time but not as tight is both an accurate micro-review and a rather obvious innuendo.

Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay is a book with a great sense of style and dark sense of humour.  You’ll enjoy it either way but if you’ve watched the tv series it’ll add an extra dimension to the characters you already know and make you realise how faithful they were to the original text on screen.

Back in January I alluded to my reading of The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella.  You should definitely give this a shot.  Ignore that it’s chick-lit, ignore the film (I’m told they’ve changed a lot of things for the big screen) and just read this book, haven’t read something that has made me laugh so much in a long time (watch Rebecca’s letters to her bank manager grow more and more ridiculous as the book progresses).

I am currently reading Beloved by Toni Morrison (yes, still).

Frost/ Nixon, as referenced here, is another book I have yet to finish.  Dylan on Dylan, mentioned here, also sits on my pile of books to read.

Since then I’ve also picked up The Vice Photo Book (mentioned here, quoted there).  I micro-reviewed it as “Between it’s hardback covers Vice Magazine spend 336 pages documenting the shit-stained, sex-obsessed nature of humanity in all its full-frontal full-colour glory”.

I’m also reading Love All the People by Bill Hicks.  Bill and Belle make strange bedfellows in my post about jogging.  My penultimate read is Rebel Code by Glyn Moody.  Yes, it’s a book about open source software, deal with it.

Finally, I am meant to be reading the Bible.  I’ve discussed this before and even contemplated buying a New International Version.  This Easter Baines bought me a pocket sized NIV (thank you) so now I have no excuse.  I have decided that instead of starting from the beginning (again) I’m going to soldier on from Samuel I and attempt to get an overview of the entire book.

1e. Freelance.  Ultimate fail.

I need to do something about this.

1f. NaNoWriMo

I have the official National Novel Writing Month book which means I know how to capitalise NaNoWriMo correctly.  It’s now just a case of waiting for November and then attempting to write a 50,000 word novel.  Somehow I think I’m setting myself up for failure here.

Summary: This challenge has been half completed.  If you have any more writing challenges they’re getting a new number because this is just getting confusing.

Today I’ve been doing things that I should have done ages ago.  Back in November I wrote about freelancing.  Today I purchased the Writers’ & Artists’ Yearbook 2009 and in the next few months I’m going to being trying to get some of my writing published.

Back in December I complained about how my monthly Vodafone bill fluctuated wildly.  Today I sorted it out (from now on I should only pay £17 a month).

In January it was my birthday, today I’m finally getting around to writing thank you notes to all the elderly relatives that sent me money.

I’m starting to research universities for next year and I’ve also been looking into work experience at the BBC.  Below is a story I started writing in January.  Unless your name is Gingell, Scribble or Baines you probably won’t find it very funny.  Instead may I suggest this or, if you’re not on Twitter, you could have a look at this.

Scribs tended to get overprotective of the red wine

I’ve always thought of LiveJournal as a place where angsty teenagers who enjoy listening to Marilyn Manson can go and cut themselves in peace.  I was wrong, there are normal people on there too.  Well, maybe normal is an overstatement but both of my housemates have LJ accounts.

The other day Baines posted the following story on hers;

Trapped in Trentham… Little Red Riding Scribs…

The promise of fresh air and exercise was too much for young Scribble to resist, he bounded joyously to the car and strapped himself in eagerly waiting for Sai to get into the car and drive them, Claire and himself, to Trentham.

The cold air whipped through his hair as he bounded along beside Sai and Claire towards the lakeside, after stopping to sit in a deckchair for a photo opportunity they continued on this healthy calorie burning expedition.

His excitement at this intriguing ‘outdoor world’ was hard to disguise as he trotted along beside the pair, this strange new environment before him was begging to be explored.  He listened intently as the girls talked of the monkeys that lived just beyond the fence on his right and the little ducks laughing at the lakeside to his left.

‘Fresh air smells odd,’ he thought as he walked through the gooey, mulch clad pathway. The forest closed in further making the pathway more secluded, the lake became barely visible beyond the undergrowth. Now and again the conversation would subside and he would be left to listen to their footsteps and the variety of small animals and tree sounds around him.

Continue Reading…

Baines concluded the first installment with;

In a blinding flash of orange Scribble was thrown to the floor.  Something large, an animal of some kind had knocked him several feet to the ground.  He lay there for several seconds bracing himself for whatever was coming next.  After thirty seconds of silent nothingness he opened one eye, then the other. Slowly he got up, brushing himself down.  He found for some reason he was wearing a red hooded cloak and had a basket of shopping from Sainsbury’s on his arm.  He fought the strange urge to continue to the nearest house with the basket and scanned the area for signs of the strange thing that had knocked him to the ground.

There, just amongst the trees, was the briefest flash of orange and, before he could tell them no, Scribs’ feet began to head towards it, a sandy path rushing to greet them.

Four years ago today Hunter S. Thompson stuck a gun barrel in his mouth, sucked out the air and pulled the trigger. And with that one of the most important journalists of our generation checked out from planet earth.

It seems in recent years that writers cut their teeth on dismissing the Good Doctor’s work as the deluded ranting of a violent junkie and yet when the twin towers fell, and the news channels were feverishly looping the attack footage, a disease-riddled, wheelchair-bound elderly man wrote;

We are going to punish someone for this attack, but just who or what will be blown to smithereens for it is hard to say.  Maybe Afghanistan, maybe Pakistan or Iraq, or possibly all three at once.  Who knows?  Not even the Generals in what remains of the Pentagon or the New York papers calling for WAR seem to know who did it or where to look for them.

This is going to be a very expensive war, and Victory is not guaranteed – for anyone, and certainly not for anyone as baffled as George W. Bush.  All he knows is that his father started a war a long time ago, and that he, the goofy child-President, has been chosen by Fate and the global Oil industry to finish it Now.  He will declare a National Security Emergency and clamp down Hard on Everyone, no matter where they live or why.  If the guilty won’t hold up their hands and confess, he and the Generals will ferret them out by force.

Good luck.  He is in for a profoundly difficult job – armed as he is with no credible Military Intelligence, no witnesses, and only the ghost of Bin Laden to blame for the tragedy.

September 11, 2001

Happy Birthday Jack Nicholson, Hunter S. Thompson

Hunter’s writing was not only insightful, it was sharp, dark and funny as hell.  Not only was what he wrote unique but what he did was unique too; no other journalists rode with the Hell’s Angels, no other writer thought to stay on the campaign trail for a year and no war correspondent, before or after him, has ever donned Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and accessorised with a cooler of beer before getting to work.

Reading his work made me realise that you could report what was happening in the world in a way that would still capture people’s imagination years after the events had taken place.

His writing is what got me on a journalism degree and one of the many things that got me thrown off (if it’s a choice between doing coursework and reading Gonzo Papers volumes one, two and three I would recommend you pick the former).  Maybe I should invest in a doctorate in divinity like he did.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

Scribs

I’ve searched the holy books
I tried to unravel the mystery of Jesus Christ, the saviour
I’ve read the poets and the analysts
Searched through the books on human behaviour
I travelled this world around
For an answer that refused to be found
I don’t know why and I don’t know how
But she’s nobody’s baby now.

Nobody’s Baby Now, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Anyone who’s known me long enough will know that I am fascinated with faith. More often than not this takes the form of stupid questions such as “Why did the Christian God guarantee Jews a place in heaven?” and “How do you live a good life if you’ve been reincarnated as a rock?”

Even though I don’t understand it I imagine faith would be a wonderful thing to have.  To believe that every good deed you do will be rewarded, that there is something more than life and that all seemingly random acts are part of a great plan must be reassuring.  To have a book to refer to in moral dilemmas rather than just trusting your gut must help too (although my gut’s getting quite good at this one).

I was not christened, nor were my parents regular churchgoers and so my first real encounter with Christianity was when I went to primary school.  We used to sing stuff like this;

I danced for the scribe and the pharisee,
But they would not dance and they would not follow me.
I danced for the fishermen, for James and John
They came with me and the dance went on.

Lord of the Dance, Sydney Carter

Back then I didn’t know what a scribe was, let alone a pharisee.  I still don’t know why everyone’s dancing.  This illustrates the problem with a lot of the stuff they taught me at school, they only taught me half of it (and most of that was wrong).  In my next post I will expose the deceitful treachery that is the song Who Built the Ark? (Brother Noah Built the Ark).

My second experience with religion was when I joined the Cub Scouts at the age of seven.  Just like at school we had to pray here too and just like at school I was getting nothing.  If I really squeezed my eyes closed I could get some weird patterns and I could always conjure up that night’s episode of The Simpsons in my head but this didn’t seem to be the point of the exercise.  Occasionally you’d sneak a peek at everyone else and wonder if it was working for them.

When Peter O’Toole said, “When did I realise I was God?  Well, I was praying and I suddenly realised I was talking to myself.” he might have been onto something, either that or he’s going to burn for all eternity.

The problem was you couldn’t ask people what they saw when they prayed, asking the difficult questions was always frowned upon.  I remember asking my dad what the animals on the ark ate and his response being, “Who have you been talking to?”

It was answers like this that made me attempt to read the Bible the first time around.  The only problem was that when I was little I thought you weren’t allowed to skip parts of a book and parts of the Bible are very boring (why they don’t put the family trees in an appendix like they do in The Lord of the Rings I’ll never know).  It is these tedious family trees that meant the first time I never made it past the third page.

In 2007 I tried again and managed maybe two to three books of the Bible.  It wasn’t until I took the Bible with me to China in 2008 (I’d promised someone that I would, don’t ask), finished all my other books and was stuck on a 24 hour train that I got as far as Samuel I (the ninth book of the Bible).

Unfortunately, when I got back to Britain I put the Bible on my “books I should read” pile and it’s been abandoned ever since.

When people find out that I’ve been attempting to read the Bible their response tends to be, “Why?  You’re not a Christian.”  This is true, I’d rather reject something I don’t fully understand than believe is half-heatedly.  it just seems weird that a book that has shaped our culture, is the basis for our legal system and has influenced the language and imagery of artists for generations is only read by Christians (and somehow I think they might be biased).

So, with all this in mind, every time I read a book of the Bible (yes, I’m starting again for a third time) I will try and write some kind of summary for the blog in a feature I have decided to dub “Atheist Bible Study.”  Hopefully it’ll be amusing enough for people to read it and inoffensive enough for my effigy not to get burnt in the streets.

This review is riddled with spoilers like Swiss cheese is riddled with holes.  If you want to fully enjoy the Twilight series then refrain from reading it until you have tackled the 754 page behemoth that is…

Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Not since I made it half way through Crash, a book in which the principal characters are sexually aroused by car crashes, have I read anything quite so disturbing.

As with its predecessors, Breaking Dawn is a testimony to the power of love, however this time it focuses on the pain people are willing to endure in its name.

Once they are married Edward whisks Bella away to an island off the coast of Brazil for a romantic honeymoon/ to be date raped.  It is only due to the power of love that, when Bella wakes up in a broken bed, covered in bruises and down from the pillows that Edward has bitten through, she doesn’t press charges.  After all it’s what she wanted, even if she can’t remember most of it.

Unfortunately for Bella her sparkly vampire who doesn’t produce any bodily fluids is firing on all cylinders in one department and it isn’t long before she’s been impregnated with his hellspawn.  Once again it is down to the power of love that, with the foetus growing at an alarming rate and cracking ribs as it goes, no one thinks to abort the violent little half-breed.

During the pregnancy the baby forces Bella to start drinking human blood and it isn’t until the blighter decides to snap Bella’s spine that Edward performs a cesarean section, with his teeth.  Stephenie Meyer has managed to create a pregnancy scene that is so horrific it should be required reading on abstinence-only programmes across America.

The baby’s first action, it’s a girl by the way, is to bite Bella.  Yes, the infant tries to drink her own mother, which is rather harsh considering Bella is already on her deathbed.  Cue Edward injecting vampire venom directly into her heart and veins to save her.

With Bella busy writhing in agony on the Cullen’s sofa and Edward busy wringing his hands and generally being pathetic it is down to the literary third wheel that is Jacob Black to narrate the second part of the story.

This secondary perspective is incongruous with the previous three books and serves little purpose, perhaps only saving Stephenie from having to write with any kind of emotional intensity as Bella goes through an immense amount of pain for the vampire and the baby she loves.

The wolves want to destroy the hellspawn, Jacob doesn’t and forms his own pack.  The wolves don’t attack the vampires.  With this non-plot out of the way it’s time to return to the real story narrated by Bella who is now a fully fledged vampire.  She has decided to call her baby Renesmee because being half vampire isn’t enough, you have to get bullied at school as well.

The events of part one forgotten, everyone now loves Renesmee the magical talking baby, some people a little too much.  When Leah (a character so insignificant I’ve never even mentioned her before)  joined Jacob’s pack I figured they’d get together; they both have an unrequited love and could have had lots of fun licking their wounds together.  Unfortunately, Stephenie decides to have Jacob develop a weird werewolf crush on a child barely out of the womb.  Yes, Jacob hates bloodsuckers and said Bella would be dead to him when she became a vampire but don’t let the facts get in the way of a mediocre story.

In contrast with part one, in which Bella suffered an obscene amount of pain, in part three she has it way too easy.  As a new vampire she has complete control over her raging bloodlust, even getting to meet her human father, and has morphed from a clumsy girl into a agile vamp with super powers.  To top it all off the Cullens have even built her and Edward a sex cottage (seriously).

It is at this point that Stephenie Meyer should have called it quits and hit the publish button on FanFiction.Net.  Unfortunately, she didn’t and the reason why is the same reason as ever.  At some stage someone (whose name if ever revealed will be cursed through the ages) bought Stephenie a how-to book on novel writing as a last minute gift.  Chapter three of this book is probably called something like “Plot: Your Story Should Have One”, unfortunately Meyer possesses a rare genetic mutation that makes this chapter invisible to her until she is at least three quarters of the way through writing her novel.

Roll plot.  The leaders of the vampire world the Volturi have heard of Renesmee, unfortunately they think she is a crazy vampire baby with an insatiable hunger instead of a half human child who is exploring far beyond her expected reading grade.

Knowing that the Volturi will kill the baby and punish those responsible, the Cullens begin to assemble a collection of witnesses to testify that the baby is half human.  There are 30 odd vampire witnesses that turn up, each of these characters is as paper thin as the next (they are all listed alphabetically by coven in the vampire index but there’s no point reading this because none of these characters develop the plot in any way).

After the new arrivals have spent a while showing off their powers (the ones that stand out being the ability to control the elements and to taser your enemies) and practising for the epic battle that will inevitably ensue the Volturi show up.  Unfortunately, Meyer disappoints on this count too and the entire dispute is peacefully resolved using the “super power” that is diplomacy.

So by the end of page 754 (“And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”) the reader is back to where they were on 387.  The Cullens are content and the Volturi have returned to Italy where they can continue to be morally ambiguous in peace.

An all too neat ending to a disappointing series that was nonetheless compulsive reading.  This is the final nail in the coffin of the Twilight series and I promise to give you at least a month to recover before I even contemplate reviewing anymore fiction.

Related Posts

Twilight: Cheaper Than Heroin
New Moon: A Remarkable Achievement
Eclipse: Now With Added Plot

My copy of Les Misérables by Victor Hugo is 1,232 pages long and has been gathering dust on my classics shelf for a while now.  One day it will get read but not today (to be fair I’m probably going to read The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic first).

Sometimes I set myself reasonable targets with unrealistic deadlines (like reading Les Mis anytime soon).  My Little Monster Reward Chart, however, only sets four daily targets; get out of bed before 9:30am, eat breakfast before 12pm, apply for a job and write 500 words.

These targets and their deadline are very realistic (you probably do at least two of them everyday without even thinking about it) and yet in the previous week I awarded myself one measly tick.  If last week hadn’t been so much fun I would have had to write it off as an ultimate failure.

All I managed to achieve blogwise was to update this post with a full list of site modifications I’d like to make, a list of posts I’m currently working on (and their appropriate word counts) and a to-do list for my life (note that I achieved four of these).

Updating old work isn’t the same as creating new content, however, and the standard issue WordPress calendar is beginning to resemble an empty wasteland devoid of posts.  On Sunday the number of site visitors dipped to zero for the first time ever (almost as if there’s some correlation between more content and more clicks, weird).

Maybe I haven’t been typing but I’ve certainly been having fun.  Antonio showed up on Wednesday and we went for drinks with Lottie, another plus is that my housemates seem not to hate him (which is always good).

On Friday I went to Guy’s leaving do in Ember Lounge where I met (read “networked with”) someone who works for the Staffordshire Newsletter (a paid weekly) and learnt the phrase “nice to see you” in sign language.  I also learnt signs for the following words; pint, whiskey, vodka, walking, jumping, kicking, hopping, straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, tea, coffee and cream cake.  Feel free to create a sentence that includes as many of these as possible.

The next day I got on a train and travelled to Oxford for Clara’s birthday celebrations.  Oxford is filled with bicycles, bookshops, scarf clad students, quaint little shops that seem to belong in Beatrix Potter (Ginger and Pickles anyone?) and places you can drink in without sticking to the floor.

It was great to meet Clara’s family and a selection of her friends and we headed out for a night that started out in the Hobgoblin and ended up in the Carling Academy.  Learnt the sign language for “easy tiger.”

Sunday was spent drinking tea, eating toast, slowly coming to and watching The Devil Wears Prada (enjoyed critquing the outfits with Clara, Dacia and Vicky but probably need to watch it again and pay more attention to the dialogue).  Then we went to Frankie & Benny’s and ate cheeseburgers.

Today, my birthday, Clara and I went to a quaint little pub and had steak and chips for breakfast.  We then went to the cinema to see Frost/ Nixon.  This is a film that I wanted to see but there weren’t many people I could go with because the love interests and zombie hordes take a backseat to political interviews.  Here are my thoughts on the movie;

Anyone that’s caught me watching The West Wing on their TV or reading presidential debate transcripts on their PC will know that I’m fascinated by American politics.  The Nixon administration is the one that fascinates me the most because it ties in with another of my perversions, journalism (I have 0.25 of a degree in this subject).*

Hunter S. Thompson was the first journalist to spend an entire year on the campaign trail and Nixon’s re-election campaign in 1972 was the year Thompson chose to do it.  Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of The Washington Post were the journalistic tag team that wrestled the Nixon administration to its knees over Watergate.  And when Nixon finally resigned before he could be impeached it was journalist David Frost whose televised interviews gave Tricky Dickie the trial he never had.

The book Frost/ Nixon is fascinating and worth the money (I paid £2), if only for the rather anal interview transcripts in which every hesitation is recorded (Nixon: “Ah, ah, so that in effect, ah, they, as they listen, ah, will be able to hear the facts, ah, make up their own minds.”)

Fascinating though it may be, the book is a record of political journalism and as such can be dry in places.  This film takes all the information and then injects the life back into it; Nixon becomes a fatally flawed yet bizarrely lovable former president (Frank Langella’s affectation of Nixon’s accent and mannerisms is truly impressive) and Frost (Michael Sheen) becomes a playboy that got lucky rather than the political hotshot he tries to make himself out to be in the book.

Choice lines have been culled from the original interviews and the dialogue that has been witten for the film is funny and insightful.  Alongside various visual touches it gives us a greater insight into the two main characters.

The timing of this film is also striking, when Nixon’s views on Vietnam are cross examined it is hard not to think of another unpopular president who waged an unsuccessful war, one who has recently left office.  Who in the media will try George W. Bush for his crimes against the world?  Somehow I imagine his defence will be less eloquent than that of Nixon.

* This sits alongside my 0.25 of a degree in Creative Writing and 0.5 of  “Your degree has been terminated.  Next time try turning up and actually doing something.”   I probably have point something or other of a degree in Graphic Design but that is beyond my mathematical capabilities.

Clara and I left the cinema and returned to cold grey Oxford, picked up my stuff, sat in a bar and discussed travelling and then I caught a train home.  On the way back to Stoke I finished reading Breaking Dawn, so expect a review whenever I recover.

My housemates bought me a big fluffy dressing gown that’s dark enough to disguise a multitude of tea stains (just like I asked for) and a High School Musical birthday card (includes a bedroom door hanger, one side reads “Do Not Disturb LOST IN MUSIC”, the other “Come in! Let’s have fun… ALL FOR ONE” , which is probably the weirdest way to phrase an orgy invitation ever).

It’s your Birthday!   …so REACH for the STARS

Scribs

Are you a young girl who uses this blog to inform your choice of teen fiction?  If so please let me know, it would be most amusing.  Also don’t read this review it may contain spoilers.

Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Mocking a book that uses fridge magnets as a recurring metaphor isn’t the most intellectually strenuous of activities, nor is it the right one.  Eclipse, the third installment of the Twilight series, may have its flaws but it’s the best book that Stephenie Meyer has written.

After dropping a big hint that I’ll soon be receiving a whole load of physical intimacy and a car* Stephenie quickly gets to work introducing a plot within the first chapter.  This is impressive for an author who has previously only tacked plots onto the end of her novels as half-hearted afterthoughts.

A pack of vampires are running amok in downtown Seattle and sworn enemies the Cullen vampire clan and the Quileute werewolf pack must join forces to defeat them.  An impressive plot, considering her previous work, but one that is a long time coming.  After introducing the plot on page eight readers then have to wait until page 198 for any further development.  In the mean time we are to forced to explore the relationship between Edward, Bella and Jacob; a love triangle that is only rivalled in tediousness by the relationship between Thomas the Tank Engine, Lady the Tank Engine and the Fat Controller.

Plot, however, is not the only thing that Stephenie has developed; Bella’s character has changed for the better too.  Bella was always meant to be an intellectual but all she did in the previous two books was name check writers and dawdle two steps behind the reader.

Twilight

Bella:  “I wonder if Edward’s a vampire?”
Reader: “Well duh… it tells you on the back of the book.”

New Moon

Bella:  “I wonder if Jacob’s a werewolf?”
Reader: “Well duh… he told you in the previous book.”

This time Bella makes some not so obvious observations and actually reads and references Wuthering Heights on numerous occasions.  In the short break between New Moon and Eclipse Bella has also grown less whiny and improved her co-ordination.  Yes, she’s still insecure but at least this time you can see why.  Yes, she still has accidents but only twice and one of those is an injured hand caused by punching a werewolf.  The other occasion is when she cuts herself in the forest and even then she smears the blood around to leave a false trail for the rival vampires.

Disappointingly however, when it gets to the fight scene Bella is still as needy as ever and the closest she gets to defending herself is self harming.  Another negative is that the larger and more interesting battle is taking place some distance away and as readers we only witness it through what Edward chooses to tell us.

The Twilight series has never really been about plot though, it’s been about the emotional connection between Edward and Bella (read: will they ever get it on?)  Since Stephenie Edward doesn’t believe in premarital sex a certain something has to happen first though and we find out Bella’s answer in this book (the suspense).

All in all, not a bad book, however, the writing style has now become something that can no longer be excused as American English or the grammar of a teenage girl.  There are clear failures in proofing here and as I look at the length of Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, the doorstop of a novel that follows it, I get the sinking feeling that Meyer’s publishers are too busy rolling in money to bother editing her manuscripts anymore.

*”I firmly believe that my fans are the most attractive, intelligent, exciting, and dedicated fans in the whole world.  I wish I could give you each a big hug and a Porsche 911 Turbo.”

Related Posts

Twilight: Cheaper Than Heroin
New Moon: A Remarkable Achievement
Breaking Dawn: Just Say No

Last week I took a photo of my desk, I took a picture of my breakfast, I reviewed some stuff I should have reviewed a long time ago and I even blogged about stuff I should do.

The only problem was that I didn’t get that much done.

It’s time to take a look over the list and to see how I’m progressing with my various challenges.

1. Write more

In December 2003 I began an online journal called The Diary of a Nobody.  It was hosted on a computer gaming forum and key themes included charity work and vomiting.   It continued into early 2006 and its end coincided, coincidentally, with me moving into Charity’s house and discovering The Sopranos.

In February 2007 I decided to copy paste the Ember Lounge Comedy Club reviews I was writing onto Scribbled Words, the Blogger blog that Antonio had convinced me to setup.  This blog fizzled and died in June 2007.

Over those five years I made 16 blog posts totalling 18,213 words (never let it be said that I don’t keep proper records).  In under two months I have, not including this post, written 20 posts which equate to 10,179 words.

To summarise, yes, I’m writing more.

In my first post on this blog I added a number of subclauses to this challenge.

1a. Blog at least once a week.  This has been so successful that I’m now going to aim to write 500 words a day and blog at least three times a week (one of these will always be on Monday).

1b. Import blog to Facebook.  Really wasn’t that hard.

1c. Install Facebook’s Visual Bookshelf, read more books and then review them.  If you need proof that this has been achieved read my Twilight reviews.  Expect something slightly more intellectual when I complete the series.

1d. Do one day a week of work experience at The Sentinel.  My work experience probably does equate to one day a week but it hasn’t been that consistent, mainly due to me looking for work or not being able to afford to get to their offices.

1e. Freelance.  Yeah, you got me.  Maybe this should be a challenge for 2009.

1f. Nanowrimo.  I’ve read the book and I’m ready to go.

In other writing news, I’ve been providing the words to accompany Antonio’s pictures on Deadline.  The only problem now is that people are reading them (Created in Birmingham and Pete Ashton) which means I’m probably going to have to finish the story.

2. Get out of debt

My financial situation is depressing at the best of times but no one should have to read about it on a Monday.  Maybe tomorrow, if I have the strength, I will redraw the graph and summarise the past five debt incurring weeks.

3. Give blood

Well, we all know what happened last time.  I’m now booked in to bleed on Friday 27th March, they’re even going to throw in a free malaria test.

4. Wake up at a reasonable hour

Up showered and dressed by 9:30am every weekday?  I was being unrealistic.  This week I’m going to try and be out of bed and half awake by 9:30am.  No, it didn’t happen today.  No, that’s not the point.  If instead of drinking tea and reading Eclipse into the early hours I went to bed instead this could work.

5. Give up swearing for Lent

I have a 1,000 word post scheduled to go live when Lent begins on February 25th.  It takes a look back at things I’ve previously quit for Lent, looks at what punishments are in place if I slip up and also contains a comprehensive list of words I’m not allowed to use.  Swearing experts were consulted and apparently the only word I missed was pisstard.

6. Learn to drive

Ich habe kein geld.

7. Complete my degree

I‘ll be looking into this one soon.

8. Keep eating steak and crumpets

Last week I ate two packs of crumpets and I’ve already started writing about steak (200 words) and researching steak related products.  When I eat steak again depends on my finances and getting 20 ticks on my Little Monster chart (a rather paltry 7 ticks last week).

As for the other challenges, not much has happened; breakfast hasn’t been a daily occurrence but it will be when I sort out my sleep pattern, I attempted speed blogging but decided against publishing the result and I can probably sign my name in BSL if I really think about it (and Gingell shows me what the sign for n is again).

New Moon, Stephenie Meyer (2/5)

Do you think that Edward Cullen is a dishy dreamboat?  If so you should avoid reading New Moon, avoid reading the rest of this review and continue with your programme of medication (you’ll probably never be allowed to sleep in a room without padded walls but on the plus side, with phrases like “dishy dreamboat”, you obviously have world class alliteration skills).

If, however, you felt that Edward’s patronising and arrogant personality was matched only by Bella’s whiny petulance then you’re in for a treat.  For the first 450 pages of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer’s second attempt at a novel, the alabaster Adonis is off gallivanting around Brazil, Italy and I-don’t-even-care-anymore.

Unfortunately, this means readers are subjected to an extended emotional breakdown on the part of Bella and not much else.

With Edward out of the picture Bella picks up some dangerous and uncharacteristic pastimes (riding motorbikes, talking to strangers, jumping off cliffs and listening to rap music).  If you’re thinking “Wow, the new Bella sounds a lot more fun than the old one.  I’m glad she’s gaining some independence.” then I’m sorry to disappoint.  The only reason she’s doing any of these things is so she can hear Edward’s voice warning her to be careful.  Yes, that’s right, she hears voices.

Bella’s also made a new friend, Jacob Black.  His main interests include being a native American Indian, smiling, restoring his VW Rabbit and turning into a werewolf.  It takes Bella a long time to figure that last one out and it causes plenty of conflict in the couple’s not so gripping non-relationship (maybe she should have just re-read Twilight and paid more attention to the part where Jacob talks about his family being descended from wolves).

In the tradition of Twilight it is not until readers are the majority of the way through the book that Stephenie realises she’s going to need a plot.  Cue Alice and Bella hopping on a plane to Italy to rescue Edward from vampire elders the Volturi.  Even a vampire who’s been going through a dry spell of 110 years would be forced to admit that this section of the book is one hell of an anticlimax.

In summary, New Moon is a remarkable achievement; Stephenie has managed to create something that is even worse than Twilight.  By now your mind will be numb to the pain caused by her poor grammar and rampant Americanese and you will no longer expect any kind of action or character depth to be present on the pages.  All that will keep you reading is the hope that Edward will return and that something will happen (SPOILER: Yes he does and no it doesn’t).

Related Posts

Twilight: Cheaper Than Heroin
Eclipse: Now With Added Plot
Breaking Dawn: Just Say No