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Archive for the 'Life' Category

Aug

Inside the Mind of Abigail Clancy

By Scribbleboy 0 Comments

Categories: Life

The other day I was contemplating writing a blog post and the more I contemplated writing, the more people looked at my blog. Correlation may not prove causation but I was excited. Unfortunately, when I examined the statistics in greater detail I learnt that they had less to do with the power of the mind and much more to do with Abbey Clancy. People were interested in “abbey clancy pics”, “fotos de abbey clancy” and “ابي كلانسي”, which I think translates as Abbey Clancy in, well, whatever language that is.

On further investigation I discovered the spike in web traffic had been caused by Abbey’s husband having sex with a prostitute. An act which led to such great pieces of public interest journalism as Man enjoys sex with more than one woman and Woman gossips for money. The media once again pretends to be shocked, after all footballers and prostitutes really are the most unexpected of bedfellows. Meanwhile I suppose we’re all meant to feel a “burning hatred” for Crouch and a “deep sympathy” for Clancy. After a full day of trying to feel anything about a private matter between people I don’t know, the only emotion I can muster is the mildest sense of disappointment in “Monica Mint”; if discretion is part of her profession then she should get back to the job centre.

I doubt anyone visiting my site under the keyword Abbey Clancy is after these kind of truths but then I doubt they were after any of the other things I’ve written about her. It all began when she appeared on a calendar I received free with a magazine. I wrote;

According to Google Images Abbey Clancy can be attractive, obviously just not in this photo. The only way to make this pose look even the slightest bit naturalistic is to draw a chalk line around her corpse.

This prompted a small flurry of hits from the across the globe and I commented;

Abbey is a WAG with no discernible talents (she was once in a girl group called Genie Queen and has dabbled in cocaine). Clancy has also increased her star power by hooking up with a freakishly tall footballer who shouldn’t be allowed to dance in public.

In both cases I tried to explain one of her cryptic modelling shots, in one instance imagining what she might be thinking. As this format amuses me I see no reason not to do it again.

Wearing a Murdoch inspired underwear set and nursing a drink, Abbey sits in a pristine bathtub and thinks.

So this is bathing? I like it. Feels weird doing it in the bathroom section of Homebase but now I’ve practised I can do it for real at home. Only with less clothes. And with more water. Obviously. If you look at the reflection in this glass you can see how the colour of my drink matches my roots. Pretty.

Aug

Adventures in Unemployment

By Scribbleboy 3 Comments

Categories: Life, Life List, Money and Writing

Imay not have been writing about it as much but that’s not to say my life hasn’t been exciting and eventful – why only the other day I listened to the BBC Asian Network and bought some milk.

One of my favourite pastimes recently is visiting the job centre, it’s so good there I go at least once a fortnight. Yes, once again I find myself in a similar circumstance to the one I was in when I started writing this blog; once again I am looking for work.

The only differences this time are that I’m now living in Peterborough and, having frittered my savings away on luxuries such as bread and rent, I am claiming the dreaded benefits. According to the media, people make more money on benefits than in full-time jobs. I make £103.70 every two weeks on Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA). So if you define “full-time” as less than nine hours a week on minimum wage, then, yes, I am one of the people you read about in the papers.

If you too want to live the benefits dream, then go and read this page right here – they explain it better than I can. Complete the steps correctly you’ll end up with an invite to the job centre (mine took four weeks, so best get started), there you’ll get to sign a Jobseeker’s Agreement and as soon as you do that everywhere you look you’ll start to see what’s wrong with the system.

To qualify for JSA I have to take three “job search steps” a week, unfortunately what does and does not qualify as a step has never been put down in writing on any document I’ve ever read. As far as I understand it, a step is anything you do that increases your chance of getting a job. So buying a newspaper with a jobs section in counts as a step, signing up to an agency counts as a step, getting job alerts emailed to your inbox counts as a step. In fact you could complete a hundred steps without ever applying for a job.

This, however, is just one flaw in a system that comprises of little else. If the advisor you get is particularly keen they may read your logbook but this is not always the case, so weeks can go by without your steps being checked. Even if they are checked, advisors will never request a copy of the job application, a copy of your covering letter or any evidence to prove that your claims are grounded in truth.

These oversights mean it is inevitable that some claimants will be applying for jobs they are not qualified to do or only pretending to apply for jobs, and so will never come off benefits.

If you do find a temporary job the system discourages you from taking it. If you take a one week job, instead of a week’s worth of benefits being deducted, your benefits are cancelled and you have to re-apply once the job is over. Depending on the time it takes for your benefit to resume you could end up making less money working than if you’d just stayed unemployed. Also the forms you have to fill out require payslips and tax and National Insurance breakdowns; I asked an advisor about freelance work and invoices and he just stared at me blankly.

One route back into work is through work experience but if you do more than 15 hours and 59 minutes a week they will deduct minimum wage from your benefits for each additional hour worked (in theory anyway, I declared 34 and a half hours of work experience in one week and they never deducted a penny). I think this is to prevent people getting paid cash in hand and then dishonestly declaring it as work experience, how this stops them from just not telling the job centre I am less sure.

So, these are my observations after less than two months on JSA. I’ve taken at least 60 steps and it’s hard to tell if I’m any closer to employment. I’ve rewritten my CV, signed up to half a dozen job agencies, updated the half a dozen job websites I’m with and even signed up for a few more. I get daily job alerts by email, buy the Peterborough Evening Telegraph every Thursday for the job section and have even applied to do work experience at the paper.

If you follow this blog then expect plenty more to read over the coming months, I might even write a bit about my new city. If by some strange coincidence you’d like to hire me, you can read my newly updated about me page, read my LinkedIn profile (it’s social media for the unemployed) or even get in touch.

Sep

All of Humanity in Garish White Shoes

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Life, Life List and Run

...and when I woke up I was in a field, wrapped in tin foil drinking someone else's urine. Again. The river of liquid cheese slowly coursed its way through the greasy lamb and bacon landscape, navigating the occasional deep-fried onion ring, before slipping over the burger bun and dripping, with the gentlest of patter, onto my chip-infested plate.

“You’re not taking this race training very seriously are you?” said Frosty. Looking back at him across the Wetherspoon’s table, I took a sip of my pint as I considered his question.

Sunday 13 September

The sky was an early morning shade of grey and Regent’s Park thronged with runners. Maybe I should have been more concerned with my lack of training but my little head was revelling in the fact that I had woken up at 5am and was not tired, had eaten breakfast and that the t-shirt in my race pack meant I had successfully infiltrated this herd of joggers.

Shortly after Gingell and I arrived, Matt (aka blankbadge) showed up. It was good to finally meet him, although he maintains this has happened before. After being spoilt for choice when it came to picking out a portaloo, we made our way to a wet bench where we busied ourselves safety-pinning our race numbers to our tops (475, since you ask) and fastening our timing chips to our laces to measure our start and finish times. It may also be worth remembering that the top of your race number should line up with the base of your breastbone, remember this well else the real runners may turn on you.

Eventually we were led through a presumably thorough warm up, although I don’t really have anything to compare it to, before being separated off into our holding pens. There were four; ranging from orange, for those whose predicted running times were a death wish, through white (Gingell) and onto more sensible segments such as green (yours truly) and pink (Matt).

Then we waited. The excitement began to fade and the cold set in, and then half an half hour later there was a stirring and we began the slow collective walk to the start line. In front of me a grey haired man with a beige hearing aid, a young girl with a big wig and a neck tattoo, a middle aged couple repeatedly sucking face, all of humanity decked out in garish white shoes.

And then we were off. The group slowly spread out and with that I was able to find a comfortable speed without tripping over anyone.

If you want to talk training and technique then it’s probably best to head on over to Gingell’s blog but at that stage all I knew was this; if I don’t finish this race Gingell will mock me relentlessly, therefore I must finish this race. The reason I fail at running is because I don’t pace myself, therefore I must keep pace with these running experts around me.

Whether they were running experts or not I shall never know but it seemed to work. The first two kilometres were pleasant; I took in the park scenery and was generally impressed by lots of smiley marshals who had matched their yellow tops with metallic accessories.

After that I began to experience the dullest of aches in my belly but it was nothing compared with my usual running pains, this was probably because I was keeping a sensible pace. At three kilometres there was a water stand, further on someone attempted to play the didgeridoo (either that or someone spiked the water stand), at four people were chanting my name (well, they were chanting the name Jon, that’s good enough for me) and then onto five, seconds before crossing the finish line I saw Gingell cheering me on and then it was over.

I had run five kilometres in 30 minutes 42 seconds, which for a non-runner is rather impressive.

As I picked up my goodie bag I felt drained but I also felt a real sense of achievement. After stretching (I just copied Gingell) I sat, wrapped in my space blanket, sucking on my Powerade, thinking.

Prior to the run Matt had asked me why I was doing this race and I hadn’t really been able to come up with a satisfactory answer. Running was a way to bond with Gingell, running was something people wouldn’t expect me to do, running was something that I was good at, yet also a sport.

Ultimately, I may be forced to admit that I like running.

Aug

Fun Things to Do When Not at Work

By Scribbleboy 2 Comments

Categories: Life

While I was out the electricity managed to trip the switch and when I returned home I thought I’d been cut off, therefore;

1. Call npower because “if we do not hear from you within the next 14 days we may take steps to disconnect your energy supply for safety reasons.” [Am now bessie friends with all my utility buddies.]

2. Pay water bill and ask to pay monthly, get housies to set-up a Direct Debit when they get here.

3. Have words with my bank about them trying to charge me £30 in fees. Write a letter in the style of Rebecca Bloomwood if necessary.

4. Activate my new sim card with Vodafone and get them to send me the bill breakdown that they promised.

5. Read all the paperwork about the protection on my new bank card and figure out what I’m doing with that. [Cancel it and save £6 a month.]

6. Fill out the voter registration form for the house.

7. Change my address with the following people;

Work
The council (need to sort out my council tax payments)
The National Blood Service (think it’s probably time to give again)
My insurance people
My building society
Doctors
Opticians (very tempted to trial some contact lenses)
National Savings and Investments (maybe even pick up some bonds along the way)
Amnesty International (think they might still be sending stuff to an address I had three years ago, also I need to set up a Direct Debit on my new account)

8. Replace my stolen Nectar card (I miss that thing).

9. Pay off student loan over calculation repayment.

10. Pay off dad.

11. Invest in driving lessons.

12. Look into getting my NCTJs (apparently only £386).

13. See if I can transfer credits from Staffs Uni to Open University and how much an English Literature degree costs.

14. Will add more fun-sucking activities as and when I think of them, should probably speak to someone about ISAs.

15. Replace passport, apparently I need a new passport form and a LS01. [Maybe if the Post Office even stocked them, just do it online instead.]

16. Get a student associate card and a young person’s railcard.

17. Fill out another voter registration form for the house because the council are incompetent (and obviously didn’t read number 6 on this list).

18. Pay the gas bill.

Aug

Not Dead, Still

By Scribbleboy 1 Comment

Categories: Life, Life List and Money

Working nine to five may be the way Dolly Parton intended but for a time it severely sapped my urge to blog. After spending all day sat at a computer typing, when I got home all I wanted to do was make a drink, watch some tv and crawl into bed.

When I wasn’t tired, I was busy. Since we last spoke I’ve moved house twice, which has involved a lot of sorting, a lot of packing and a few trips to the charity shop. It’s also meant working my way through a variety of internet connections, most of them unreliable or non-existent, and spending too long on the phone trying to change my address details with numerous faceless corporations.

I guess the other big thing that’s happened to me is that I got mugged. Here’s the account I gave to The Sentinel. It’s been over three weeks now since my attack so I think I’m over it, although it took a lot longer to replace my bank card than it should have done. For some reason my local branch only opens during office hours and doesn’t open at all over the weekend. This would be a brilliant business strategy if unemployed people had any money.

So, now I’ve fixed my sleeping pattern, settled into my new house and have almost sorted all my records, it’s time to pick myself up and get back on the blogging horse.

I’d like to start with a comment Clara left on my Facebook wall in relation to my new job.

very very good Jon! Quite proud of you at the moment! I will be checking in on the website to see fundamental changes to the graph

Now this might cause confusion for some of you but that’s understandable, I’m not saying it’s a long time since I created graphs to represent my debt but it’s probably before you were born.

Finance June

Week commencing 1st June (three posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

£10 food
£728 rent
£67 council tax
£18 Vodafone
£10 entertainment (I went barfuss at Trentham and I bought Front Magazine)

Total: £833

End of Week Total: -£3,046

Week commencing 8th June (one post)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

£38 food
£48 transport (catching all those trains to go to Sky School)
£100 utilities

Total: £186

End of Week Total: -£3,232

Week commencing 15th June (0 posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

£38 food
£3 drink (I bought a medium Pepsi at the cinema because I didn’t realise they had a coffee machine, it was sickly sweet and apparently medium now means bigger than my head)
£20 student loan over calculation repayment
£15 insurance
£6 entertainment (I went to see Night at the Museum 2 at the cinema and it was a lot better than I imagined it would have been)

Total: £82

End of Week Total: -£3,314

Week commencing 22nd June (two posts)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

£50 food
£20 transport
£1 stationery (an address book I needed for work)
£9 rounding error (haven’t a clue)

Total: £80

End of Week Total: -£3,394

Week commencing 29th June (one post)

Incoming: £0

Outgoing:

£26 food
£10 drink
£20 transport

Total: £56

End of Month Total: -£3,540

The Poverty Line, for the month of June*

For those a little perturbed by the re-appearance of the graph, here’s one last photo from the phone with some words of wisdom that it’d be worth you heeding.

Great piece of design, first time I've seen it in real life

* Figures are rounded up and my student loan debt, which has now risen to £19,993.48, is not included.

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About

Born in Paignton, educated in Stoke-on-Trent and living in Peterborough. I am a footsoldier in the army of the unemployed and an occasional blogger.

I survive on caffeine, willpower and JSA. This blog is a record of my attempts to find work and my successes and failures as I try and complete life-improving challenges suggested to me by readers.